Waiting With Gabriel

This past weekend I finished reading the book Waiting with Gabriel. In this book. Amy Kuebelbeck recounts receiving the probable diagnosis for her son: hypoplastic left heart syndrome (HLHS), carrying Gabriel to term, and then the process of his death. Though the diagnosis was different, much of what Amy described was so similar to how I felt... particularly when she talked about feeling like her time with Gabriel was too short, and the pain that she felt when she wrapped up her son, kissed him goodbye for the last time, and gave him to the nurse to take away. Though God is graciously bringing me through, the pain of that moment in my life still burns in the deepest core of my being.

One of the things that struck me in her book was this (I am paraphrasing since I don't have the book in front of me):

"Don't tell a mother who has lost her child that God needed another angel in heaven. God couldn't possibly need that child more than his mother, whose very body is weeping for her child."

So many parts of that struck me.

I was struck by the fact that there's a great truth there: God didn't need Isaac. God is omnipotent, all-powerful... He doesn't need us in order to act; rather, He allows us to be part of the story that He is writing. I still can't understand how God choosing to not intervene and allowing Isaac to die is of greater glory to Him than had He intervened, provided the miracle thousands of people had been praying for, and allowed Isaac to live. But I am learning that my understanding isn't the point; trusting Him is. Trusting that somehow, this is for God's greater glory... trusting Him to somehow make beauty from ashes... and acknowledging that He has and continues to be very present in these difficult days.

I was also struck for the fact that Amy talks about her very body weeping for her son. Here's the funny thing about the body of a woman who has delivered a child that has died: it still responds as if that child is alive. I am glad my doctors and nurses had prepared me for this, because that, too, was one of the most difficult parts of this process. Seeing that my body was responding just the way it should to nurture my child, knowing that this is what I was created to do... and yet there was no child to nurture. I had never thought about it before, but it really was like my body was weeping for Isaac.

I can't believe that in 11 days, we'll mark 5 months since Isaac was born, and 5 months since he went home to be with Jesus. As I have said previously, losing a child makes the whole concept of time so different... 5 months has both felt incredibly long, and like the blink of an eye. Thank goodness eternity is longer...

While the road continues to be a bumpy one, and while I still find myself limping along on most days, I am grateful for God's presence... grateful for the people He continues to use to encourage and uphold us... and grateful that He has Isaac in His tender care. Even though as his mom, I miss Isaac more than words could adequately express, I know that he is safe and he is secure.