I woke up this morning to my alarm, ready to jump out of bed, make my coffee, and head off to spin class just like any other Saturday. But I remembered how hard it was on January 7 being at work at 8:33... and at 8:49. I decided that spin class was NOT where I wanted to spend that time... those 16 minutes when our sweet Isaac was still here with us on October 7. So here I am.
In some ways, it feels like yesterday that I was in the hospital loving and holding my sweet little 4 lb 12 oz son. Yet in other ways, October 7 feels like a distant dream. It's the strangest thing to feel as though time has both raced on and is standing still. The reality is, losing a child changes everything about the way you even think about time... time here on Earth, time in Heaven, and the space between the two.
I miss Isaac so much. I don't miss him any less today than I did on October 8. The reality of his absence is still everywhere... in the quietness of our home, in the amount of time I have to myself, in the faces of our friends' children, and even in the big red circular signs in the parking spots at the grocery store that are reserved for customers with an infant. It's in the obvious things, and the seemingly benign things.
Yet somehow, we are learning how to integrate it all into our lives. I know longer wonder how I will respond when someone asks me, "Do you have any children?" My answer will be "Yes, I have a son named Isaac." I know longer wonder if in church on Father's Day or Mother's Day if Spencer or I should stand up when they ask all the dads and moms to stand up to be recognized and prayed for. We will. We're managing to figure out, at least a little, how to keep Isaac present in our family... not pretending that he's here, but finding a way for our sweet son, who isn't here, to still be recognized, acknowledged, and known.
But today... today I just really miss him. I know that he is in the most perfect place, and that one day Spencer and I will get to see him again. But today (like everyday, really) I wish he was here so that I could see him smile, and laugh, and tell him again how much I love him. These markers are just hard because they are just one more reminder of the fact that Isaac isn't here... and we wish so much that he was.
Thanks for praying for us today.
And if you haven't yet seen the slideshow we had made of Isaac, click here to see it. Our photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep did a beautiful job putting it together to a gorgeous song by Selah.