Saturday, February 7, 2009

Four Months

I woke up this morning to my alarm, ready to jump out of bed, make my coffee, and head off to spin class just like any other Saturday. But I remembered how hard it was on January 7 being at work at 8:33... and at 8:49. I decided that spin class was NOT where I wanted to spend that time... those 16 minutes when our sweet Isaac was still here with us on October 7. So here I am.

In some ways, it feels like yesterday that I was in the hospital loving and holding my sweet little 4 lb 12 oz son. Yet in other ways, October 7 feels like a distant dream. It's the strangest thing to feel as though time has both raced on and is standing still. The reality is, losing a child changes everything about the way you even think about time... time here on Earth, time in Heaven, and the space between the two.

I miss Isaac so much. I don't miss him any less today than I did on October 8. The reality of his absence is still everywhere... in the quietness of our home, in the amount of time I have to myself, in the faces of our friends' children, and even in the big red circular signs in the parking spots at the grocery store that are reserved for customers with an infant. It's in the obvious things, and the seemingly benign things.

Yet somehow, we are learning how to integrate it all into our lives. I know longer wonder how I will respond when someone asks me, "Do you have any children?" My answer will be "Yes, I have a son named Isaac." I know longer wonder if in church on Father's Day or Mother's Day if Spencer or I should stand up when they ask all the dads and moms to stand up to be recognized and prayed for. We will. We're managing to figure out, at least a little, how to keep Isaac present in our family... not pretending that he's here, but finding a way for our sweet son, who isn't here, to still be recognized, acknowledged, and known.

But today... today I just really miss him. I know that he is in the most perfect place, and that one day Spencer and I will get to see him again. But today (like everyday, really) I wish he was here so that I could see him smile, and laugh, and tell him again how much I love him. These markers are just hard because they are just one more reminder of the fact that Isaac isn't here... and we wish so much that he was.

Thanks for praying for us today.












And if you haven't yet seen the slideshow we had made of Isaac, click here to see it. Our photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep did a beautiful job putting it together to a gorgeous song by Selah.

45 comments:

Ashly said...

I'm sorry your heart is so heavy today. I will pray for you now as you remember 4 months ago.

The Bagley Bunch said...

I will lift you up today even more! Many prayers are with you always!!!

Meg said...

Oh Stacy I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. The anniversaries are always so hard. You think about what should be and realize that you have to continue living on without. I will continue to lift you and Spencer in prayer.

Stephanie said...

I am praying for you today. Thank you for sharing Isaac with us!

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

I have been thinking about you so much. I had to count the months the other day, because I couldn't believe it had been four, but at the same time, it seems like it's been so long. We are still praying for you, hard. Lots of love.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Remembering sweet Isaac with you today. Thinking how many lives have been touched by his journey and yours. What hope you are giving as people see how God has and is faithfully carrying you.
And...praying...as always...

Love you,
Kelly

Spellbound said...

Stacy,

I am praying for some peace to your broken heart. You are in my thoughts today.

Bluebird said...

What a beautiful slideshow! How special that you have so many wonderful photos of your precious little boy. I'm glad you can cherish the few minutes you had with him . . . even as your heart aches for more. Praying for you today, and every day as you continue to figure things out. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job finding a perfect balance as you travel this road no one should have to travel.

Susie (So Blessed) said...

Praying for your hurting, grieving heart today...as you miss sweet Isaac and remember the time you had with him.

Debbie said...

My prayers are with you. What a beautiful son and amazing mother. Thanks for sharing.

Laura said...

The video is a wonderful tribute to the love that is your family. Isaac is lucky to have parents like you and Spencer and you just as lucky to have such a special little angel as Isaac. I hope that at the end of the day, you will have found some peace and maybe even a little bit of joy along the way in this most difficult journey. Hugs from Alabama to you all.

Jessica said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers today and always!

Laura said...

Praying for you today.

Stephanie said...

Crying my eyes out as I just watched your beautiful video. I am so sorry.
May God continue to draw near to you, the broken-hearted.
Isaac is so perfect and so gorgeous.
Stephanie

Stephanie said...

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."
Habakkuk 3:17,18

"From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2

Kelli said...

Praying for you today! May you find peace in remembering the precious love that Isaac brings to your life!

AmberSingleton said...

This is the first time I have gotten to see the video. It is beautiful. I sit here with tears streaming down my face and my heart is truly broken for you and Spencer. I am so sorry that your sweet boy was called home so early. But, he was an AMAZING little boy who made a difference in everyone who knows about him. For me, he has made me enjoy the small things in life again. The things I am too busy to normally notice.
Thank you for sharing your story and your wonderful heart with all of us.

Rachel E. said...

Thank you for sharing these beautiful photos with us. I am praying for you on this difficult day.

Cate said...

I still pray for you daily. We lost our little one at 9 weeks and I still say "Yes" when people ask if we have any children.


Much love.

Tammy said...

I am forever your friend.

Sara said...

I am praying for you Stacy. Your Isaac is precious. Our Samuel joined him in Heaven just a few weeks later on October 29th. I completely understand your pain. I will continue to pray that the Lord showers you and Spencer with His peace and that you can persevere through each day... one at a time. Thinking of you today, knowing certain days can be harder.
In Christ,
Sara
www.Hintzshappenings.blogspot.com

Seraphim said...

Praying for you today and everyday. I want you to know your darling baby has inspired so many, including myself. The wonderful way you honoured his all too short life here on earth has helped me and many others. Through you, we have found a way to help other parents. Thank you. xxxx

Rebecca Louise. said...

Happy 4 month birthday Isaac! I hope your're dancing up there =]

beltj74 said...

I came to your blog several months ago. I came to it though a friend of a friend of a friend's blog- you get the picture. Anyway, I love to read your blog- your writing is so great that I almost feel that I know how you feel. I am so sorry for your loss and often pray for you and your family. I am writing to let you know that I came across another blog. It is The Benjamites on blogspot. They just lost their precious Gracie from a brain disorder and possibly Tisomy 18 or 13 (did not have an amnio). It reminded me so much of you and your precious little one. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

Leslie Craven said...

Praying for you today. Your faith and honesty truly touch me. Isaac is dancing in heaven.

Marla Taviano said...

Praying for you as you miss your sweet little boy!!

Julie said...

Continuing to pray today...and every day!

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Stacy,
This is so hard. This might make you cry, but I think in a good way -- I was reading your post with my two-year-old by my side. N saw Isaac and said, "Her hold her baby." Then, she started singing a song to Isaac.
He is loved and cherished. By you. By God. By people you don't even know.

A little piece of 7th heaven said...

Stacy,
My heart is so heavy today for you when I read this post..and while I know no words can lift this veil of grief you feel..I am praying for you to feel the comfort that only the LORD can provide!
Annmarie

Sonya said...

I frequent your blog often so I can read your story and listen to the beautiful music that you put on it. All day Saturday as I was running errands these songs came on the radio and I immediately stopped and thought of you and your family. Isaac will always be remembered in your heart and mind and in the hearts and minds of all the people that read your blog. I know he is in mine.

meliss said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and read your story and all about Isaac's life. I am touched. I have already said prayers for you and will keep you in my mind.

jen said...

Stacy~

I found your blog on BBC and had to comment. I read your words as if they could have been my own almost five years ago...it doesn't seem possible that my sweet little boy, Logan, would have been five this April. I am sending prayers your way today and always. If you ever need to chat, mom to mom, let me know.

Jen
jgill@cardinals.k12.mo.us
"A PAIR OF SHOES" ~Author unknown~
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Laura said...

Praying for you both!

Joanne said...

you are an amazing mother. I am hurting and crying along with you. You and Spencer are always in my prayers.

Walking by Faith said...

Praying without ceasing! Precious little Isaac...I think of his sweet face often. Blessings to you.~heidi

Nicole said...

Wow, four months already. Isaac is so handsome, I just love his pink cheeks. Praying for you today and the week to come.

Jeff & Leza said...

Always in my prayers. Always in my thoughts and in my heart.

Leza

Jen said...

I still cry when I see pictures of your precious Isaac. I can't even imagine how your heart aches.

You are still thought of, and prayed for, daily.

hennhouse said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Danielle Holsapple said...

I am sorry I missed the 7th...but I think of you often. I understand how the concept of time is completely changed after you lose a child. And my fear of death is totally changed as well. Thank you, as always, for sharing your thoughts and feelings...it helps ME to see others surviving this ugly, painful path of grief.

Mommy2QTPies said...

What a beautiful slideshow of your sweet boy. I continue to pray for you and your family so that your heart can heal. Your sweet boy will never be forgotten...

Anonymous said...

Stacy,
I just wanted to tell you that you are really an inspiration. I read your response today on the SAL board to a woman who is thinking of terminating her pregnancy because there is a higher-than-normal chance of her baby being born with Downs. This post made me so angry, and I was so sad to think of that poor child. Instead of speaking courageously, as you did, I had responded sort of wishy-washily. I wish I had responded as you did; but I know I would not have done it as compassionately nor as eloquently. Thank you for being a voice for life.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

How are you today?

Jodi said...

I don't know if I've ever left a comment on your blog, but I have you on my blogroll. I'm so sorry for your loss and I can understand the pain and the feelings of emptiness as we lost a baby boy last June. I definitely feel that you should be recognized as a mother when asked and you should feel like you are a mother because that is what you are.

I hope your new opportunity that you've mentioned will bring healing to you.

The Whitakers said...

Your story touches my heart each time I read your blog. You and Your family will forever be in my prayers!