Tuesday, November 4, 2008

A Brief Update

**UPDATE**
I was asked to share other books that I have been reading surrounding the topic of infant loss...
In addition to Holding On to Hope, I read Empty Cradle, Broken Heart (the author escapes me) and I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. There was another book I read over the summer, I think called When A Baby Dies. I also got about half way through A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis over the summer, and need to pick it back up and finish it. I still have a stack of a few other books that I want to get through, in addition to working through Nancy Guthrie's devotional, The One Year Book of Hope.
*********************************************************************************

It has been a little longer in between posts than I usually like, but truthfully there isn't a whole lot at this point on which to update. Everything is pretty much the status quo.

Spencer has been getting back into the swing of things at work, though isn't overly excited about being with other people's children all day. I imagine I will face a similar challenge when I return to work on November 19.

Physically, I continue to feel better. I am really starting to get the itch to work out again, but know I still have a few more weeks before that becomes a reality. It has been difficult to not be able to engage in the thing that I enjoy most and that is a huge stress reliever for me. In due time I suppose.

When not spending time with whoever it is that is visiting with me on a given day, I have spent a lot of time reading. Of course, much of my reading has focused on books dealing with infant loss and grief, and I have found comfort in reading words of others' stories and experiences. I am the type of person who hates checking out library books because I can't write in them; and yes, I am the type who writes in my books when I read. Currently, I am in the middle of a book entitled Holding On to Hope by Nancy Guthrie (I am also working through a devotional she has written). The focus of the book is "a pathway through suffering to the heart of God." Nancy has lost two children shortly after birth herself.

As I was reading today in the chapter entitled suffering, Nancy writes:

"Have you cried out to God in frustration, with questions about how he could have the power to heal and yet chose not to heal the one you love? Have you agonized in an effort to reconcile your understanding of a loving God with one who allowed the accident, the atrocity, or the abuse? I have, and we're not alone."

I starred this paragraph and next to it wrote, "YES, YES YES!!!!" That passage really sums up where I am... trying, often with frustration, to reconcile the conflict between my head and my heart in who I know God to be and the agony that He has allowed Spencer and I to face, all the while still missing my sweet Isaac so much that it hurts.


I can't really think of anything new to ask you to pray for for us... it's all the same things, really. Thank you for your continued prayers and words of encouragement during what has been a lonely and confusing and painful road to navigate...they mean more to us than you could know.

41 comments:

Delayna said...

We are continuing to pray that God is your comfort, guide, and companion through all of this agony. It is our hope that you will be given strength and as much wisdom as can possibly be understood in all of this.
You and Spencer are in our prayers.

they call me the boss said...

Continuing to pray for you both!

Christa said...

Wanted to give you a link to a couple blogs that you might like to read, not sure if you know of them already:

http://mrsspitspouts.blogspot.com/

http://lifegoeson-mylife.blogspot.com/

They've gone thru similiar experiences as you. Maybe it will help some how, or just keep you busy.

xoxo

BLOWL said...

would you mind sharing the other books you are reading?

I've read Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg that also contains daily devotionals for mothers who have lost a child through miscarriage or still birth or early infant loss.

Anonymous said...

Still here for you in the evening--continued prayers. I read a lot of C.S. Lewis after my first loss, or I should say re-read him. I really like most of what he says, and how he says it.

I can not imagine how you are reconciling the God you are praying to and the God who has allowed so much pain for you. This is the point most people lose faith, but I know you will come through. If you stumble, we are here.

You and Spencer have such tough jobs to go back to, and I can relate. The fact you are even going back is commendable.

I know you miss Isaac more than words can say. Please know his short life was so very important. I know that does not help much in the day to day pain. I wish there was something that did.

Much love, Jill

Me Online said...

Somehow reading your blog reminds me of Mary, the mother of Jesus. The agony she had to have felt. He was her Savior, but first he was her son. Although she knew who He was, I have to wonder if she didn't pray desperately for another path and maybe even question why her son. He was her greatest gift, just as little Isaac was to you. Isaac has already proven to be a mighty man of God in the form of a sweet little baby. Look how God has used him. I'm so sorry for your pain.

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

Stacy,
I remember reading all of those books shortly after Charlie passed away. It helped occupy my mind. I continue to pray for you as you and your hubby walk the same path my hubby and I walked two years ago.
Some books I read:
*Silent Grief: Miscarriage-Child Loss: Finding Your Way Through the Darkness
By Clara Hinton
*Mommy, Please Don't Cry: There Are No Tears in Heaven
By Linda Deymaz and Laurie Snow Hein
*The Bereaved Parent
By Harriet Sarnoff Schiff

Stephanie said...

You are always in my prayers.

A book that helped me alot after we lost Hope was Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. It is also a devotional. I found it to be probably one of the most helpful books for me.

Angela said...

After Benjamin was born, I delved into tons of Down syndrome books. There was so much to learn and this was a whole new world. But after awhile, it started to wear on me. A good friend of mine suggested that I pick up some light reading that had nothing to do with Down syndrome, just to clear my mind of it for awhile. I was a little offended at first, but you know what? It really helped. There may come a time when it's healthy just to read something fun b/c you need to just NOT think, you know?
I hope that doesn't sound harsh--just my experience.
I am still praying for you and checking your blog daily (or more) for updates or just anything. Thank you again for sharing your life with us.

Jen said...

Reading helps me to heal during times of crisis as well...May God's love and His pride in you pour off those pages and be a balm to your heart and soul. Still praying, and thinking of you,Spencer, and of course little Isaac- whose small feet left a huge footprint in this world as he left to go on to the next.

Verna said...

May God hold you in the palm of his hands and comfort you in these days. May you feel the love of those around you and the lives that you have touched by sharing your experiences with us. Our prayers are with you.

A. Davis said...

Of the blogs I read by people I don't know personally, yours is the first blog I have ever commented on. I teach high school and we have lost several students over the past three years, one of whom left behind a grieving mother who is a good friend of mine. A book that she read and took great comfort from (which I subsequently read) is Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff. You might get want to read that book. I am praying for you and Spencer as well.

Jodi said...

I'm sorry for your recent loss. I know it's tough, especially since the pain is so fresh. My husband and I lost a baby boy this past June.

I thank you for offering the titles of the books you've read. I've copied them down and I'll look into reading them myself. One of my friends, who recently lost her mother, sent me a book called A Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser. She said it helped her through the loss of her mother.

Anonymous said...

Stacy, this is strange...I just opened C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain to a random page. Here is what jumped off the page.

"Pain hurts. That is what the word means. I am only trying to show that the old Christian doctrine of being made perfect through suffering is not incredible. To prove it palatable is beyong my design".

That is just what I was trying to say in my earlier post. Reconciling pain and God is beyond our grasp. It is not palatable in any way. Sometimes, I wonder why this is.

Sorry to share 2 times, but C.S. Lewis said it so much better! Praying for you, Jill

Kelly said...

I love the book I'll Hold You in Heaven. Another beautiful and comforting book: Mommy, Please Don't Cry. I'll look up the author if you're interested.

Baseballs and Tutu's said...

As always...praying for you and Spencer!

Mrs. H said...

I appreciate seeing others' suggestions as well, so I'll add one of my own:
Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur
This helped me after my loss. Heaven is a very real place and it's a little easier to rest knowing that my son knows nothing of our sufferings and hardships here on earth, but only the GLORY of heaven!

Julie said...

I have read many of those books myself...I really like the ones by Nancy and have gone back to them many times.

Continuing to hold you close in prayer.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you both.

Read some chapters from Psalms - so powerful, comforting, reassuring, etc.

God bless you both every moment!

Allison said...

I just found your blog and read Isaac's story, and though I have tears in my eyes for your having to say goodbye to him so quickly, I am encouraged and blessed by your beautiful story and your faith in God's plan. Isaac is incredibly lucky to have you as his mother. God bless!!

Anonymous said...

It's okay to be angry. Still thinking and praying.

Cynthia

Open your Eyes. said...

I really enjoy reading about how you rationalise your thoughts and question them. Yet, I love how thing things remains adamant and that is your faith. It makes your blog and words so charming to read.

Love, Becca X.

Amanda said...

I think about you and Spencer and Issac and how much faith you have even when you are questioning. You inspire me, you amaze me. I will pray for you, I cry for you and I hope that you find some peace. Issac is beautiful and perfect and I'm so glad you got those 16 minutes.

Amanda

Huddle Girls said...

Dear Stacy,

I know I found that the reading did help. It helped confirm for me that everything I was feeling was normal. Yet another book suggestion for you that I found very helpful was "Markings on the Windowsill" by Ron Greer. The author is a pastoral counselor at a church here in Atlanta. I continue to pray for you and your family.

Blessings,
Amanda

Breanna said...

Stacy,
I've been following your blog since the beginning. I pray for you, Spencer, and your family and friendsd everyday.
Thank you so much for this post. Our circumstances are SOOOOO very different, but I lost my sister 3 years ago. The qoute from the author you provided totally sums up my feelings. I'm going to pick up this book.

Thank you Thank you Thank you so much for taking the time to post this. My heart was feeling heavy today and this was truly like God calling out to me.

Continued prayers for you and Spencer. You are such an inspiration.

Huddle Girls said...

Stacy,

I meant to add with my book suggestion that you can find it on Amazon. I wasn't able to find it at a Barnes & Noble or Borders although I am sure they could order it for you. Take care.

Amanda

Anonymous said...

Praying still for you both. xx

Darla said...

I am also reading the One Year Book of Hope. I am on week 3. I ordered it after I read Holding on to Hope. After Nicholas passed away, a nurse at the hospital sent the book to me. I read it right away and about 2 weeks ago, I read it again. I was able this time to really concentrate on the message of the book. The One Year Book of Hope has really been very helpful to me. Everyday, after reading the message, I keep a notebook and write down the answers to the Digging Deeper questions. Then every Sunday night, I set aside time for the end of the week’s reflection and devotion. Nancy Guthrie is amazing in her faith. The message you touch upon “Wrestling with God’s Plan” is something I struggle with everyday – God’s plan for me. But then I am reminded that Jesus too wrestled with God’s plan for him. Remember the first week’s passage:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18

Still praying for you.

Darla

Anonymous said...

Still praying for you and Spencer every day--for comfort during this dark and lonely time. I read "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser recently as well. It is not a book about infant loss, but he lost his mother, wife, and daughter all in the same accident. He writes very thoughtfully about grief, coping, and growing when you're walking through the valley.

AngelsAmid said...

I just want you to know I think of you, Spencer & Isaac everyday. I'm still praying for you everyday (big hugs) I wish there was something more I could do- but I know prayer is powerful.

Anonymous said...

I continue to think and pray for you.

I pray that you and your husband find peace and comfort.


Em
from Australia

Kendra ;) said...

I have stumbled upon your blog...your story is moving and your strength is amazing! I will be praying for your family.

~Kelli said...

Your family continues to be in my prayers!

Kathlyn said...

You and your husband have been in my prayers constantly. I will be praying for you even more the week of the 19th. I'm a teacher also and returning to work on the 17th.

So Blessed said...

As you continue to walk this road of grief, I continue to pray...

Kelly said...

I've been debating whether to mention another good resource for grieving moms, and I've decided to share it in case there is a mama in need reading right now. The Dreams of You Memory Book is something many mothers have found comfort in. It is a baby/memory book designed especially for grieving moms....with places to record footprints and handprints, journal feelings, stats about baby, dreams you had for baby, write letters to baby, etc. There are also poems, scriptures and my own family's story of loss, hope, and healing as we were carried through our grief with God's sufficient grace. I created the book after searching for an adequate memory book, and finding little to choose from for this situation. You can find out more about the book and our ministry...Sufficient Grace Ministries by visiting our website:
www.sufficientgrace.net

You can also order a book from A Place to Remember
www.aplacetoremember.com

...or directly from us. Hope you don't mind my sharing about this ministry, Stacy. And please know, that today and everyday, you are in my prayers.

Kelly Gerken
http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com

Lynn said...

Still praying for you daily, Stacy. Praying for the requests you've shared specifically and those that only God Himself knows about.

Thank you for sharing the resources you've appreciated. Once again the ripples of Isaac's life will continue to touch others in Jesus' name because I'm going to send a book or two to my cousin and his wife. They are not believers and recently lost their 3-month old to a liver dysfunction.

Speaking of resources, here's a link I came across that you might find comfort or encouragement in. http://rebeccacooks.blogspot.com Rebecca is the daughter of Dennis & Barbara Rainey(Family Life). Her 3-month old went to heaven this summer.

Holding you up in love!

Mandy said...

Oh, Stacy, you and Spencer are on my mind a lot. Would you be willing to share about your life with us? Like where/what is your job? What's your daily routine? How did you meet Spencer?

Amber said...

I am so sorry for your grief, I happened upon your blog and admire your strength and love for your beautiful son. I am a photographer contemplating joining NILMDTS, and I would love to make the difference. I am having a struggle knowing whether I am strong enough to do it, but seeing the beauty of your pictures and how treasured they are really makes me want to do it. There's just so many unknowns about how I'll be in the moment. Would you mind telling me about your experience and what it meant to you? I want to be strong and I think hearing from someone who used the service and what it meant for them would give me the strength I need to do it. I am so heartbroken for you, and pray for strength on your journey. Isaac couldn't have asked for a better Mommy and Daddy.
Hugs~ Amber

Anonymous said...

Hi Stacy - I wanted you to know that when I woke up this morning you and Spencer were on my mind. I prayed for you then and will keep on praying.
Jx

Erica said...

I found your blog tonight. We too lost our little one this year. I remember how lost I felt at the 1 month mark...My heart aches with yours.
Erica