Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Today...

Well, I made it. I'm exhausted, but I made it.

I woke up this morning around 4am and tried really hard to fall back asleep, but to no avail. I finally surrendered to the fact that it just wasn't going to happen and got up a little before 5 o'clock with plenty of time to shower, get dressed, have my coffee, check e-mail... and then it hit me. Again, these moments come out of nowhere. Usually before work I would sit and play Isaac music as I wrote my daily letter to him. It was the sweetest time of my day, feeling him wiggle and kick to the songs I knew he liked best. I never wanted those moments in the morning to end. Today, though, was different, and it was another stark reminder of Isaac's absence. I knew that it would always feel like he was missing; but the more I get back to my "normal" routine, the more I am reminded of it.

Thankfully, traffic cooperated this morning and I was able to make it to work with plenty of time get myself settled and situated, which included putting a framed picture of Spencer, Isaac, and me on my desk.

It's always difficult returning to teaching after you have been out for a day or two, trying to make sense of what went on during your absence. The substitute who had been in for me did a fantastic job making sure everything was organized, labeled, and prepared... and it went a long way to make that aspect of my day go a little bit better. The students were well-behaved, and it was clear that they were still very much accustomed to our class routines. A few of them were very sweet and made cards. One little girl, who tends to be a bit more quiet, came in at the end of the day to simply give me a hug and say, "I'm really glad you're back, Mrs. Delisle."

Of course it was difficult to be there. There were moments that it was all I could do to not let the flood gates open and just start sobbing; in other moments (thankfully my lunch break), my efforts were of no use and the crying happened anyway. I can't really put my finger on why. Perhaps it is because I took this job at a new school so that I could be closer to home "once the baby was born," and going back to work without Isaac here is yet another reminder of his absence. Or, perhaps it's just the fact that grief is unpredictable; it creeps up on you when you expect it, and when you don't.

Overall, it went... one class period at a time. God's grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in weakness. I truly believe that His grace was made tangible to me today through all of your words of encouragement and many prayers. It was so good to be able to check back on here from time to time and catch up on the comments. So for that, thank you. Please continue to pray for my transition back... I know that it's going to continue to be a challenge.

And now there's tomorrow... one day at a time.

60 comments:

Kristin (kekis) said...

I've been looking for an update, and I'm glad you made it through today. Yes, you'll have the "bumps" along the way which is normal.

Although this hardly compares to your situation, I remember the day I returned to school after my 1st m/c. My students didn't know why I was out, but the entire staff knew. I was SO anxious about going back (I'm talking panic attacks) and was worried that I would randomly lose it at any given time. I was concerned about the looks of pity and people not knowing what to say. I made it through the day & lost after my class was gone. Every day got a little better, but it wasn't easy.

I am praying for you, Spencer, your family & friends. I know all of the firsts and milestones will make the pain resurface, yet I hope it will also bring additional healing. Peace be with you . . .

Jen said...

I'm so glad to hear you made it through the day with success. I prayed on my way to teach my class this morning that you would be comforted and have enough of His grace for each and every moment that came your way.

Grief is odd like that, it will hit you in moments that you least expect, and bring you to your knees- so while you're there-we'll all be on our knees with you, and praying for you.

Rachel E. said...

Stacy,
I am continuing to pray for you during this transition back to school. Please keep us updated on how you're doing. I am in the process of losing my grandfather, but he lived a long, full life, and I can only imagine how much more difficult it must be to lose a child. May the peace that passes understanding be with you and Spencer.

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

Hi sweetie. Was thinking of you all day. Wishing I could have met you over your lunch hour and share a box of Kleenex with you. I will continue to pray, every day, every time the Lord brings you to mind (which is so very often). Thinking of you tonight, M

Kelly said...

Just stopping by to let you know that we are still praying...

You are right - grief certainly has a 'mind of it's own'. And getting back to 'normal'..or maybe I should say a new normal is very difficult.

One year ago (in oct) we lost our 5 month old daughter...this new 'normal' we have settled into is bitter sweet. I miss Liberty every single day..and often think about how different my life would be if she was still with us but I know that I cannot focus on that because God does have a plan. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me right now, but I know that His plans are better and bigger than my own..so I find my trust and faith in that.

Im glad that you got the courage to go back..you are amazing. Keep your head up..every day is ONE DAY CLOSER TO BEING WITH YOUR SWEET BOY AGAIN!

God bless,
Kelly Turner

Kathlyn said...

I've been thinking of you and praying for you all day. As I went through my routines with my sixth graders I would offer up a prayer for God to grant you grace and strength at that moment.

Please know that you will continue to be in my prayers in the coming weeks.

jablott said...

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

May God bless your day tomorrow with His grace...I pray that His spirit will rest so heavy on you that you can feel it carrying you through the day. You are brave, and God is being honored by your life....Thank you for sharing your heart.

Melanie said...

Stacy,
Im still here praying for you! I have learned that praying for others is helping me in my prayer life as since my miscarriage praying, reading my Bible or a devotion, trying to walk with Christ has been hard but without Him I wouldn't be in the place I am in now! His grace is such a BLESSING from above! God bless and im here for you!

TresNinos said...

I'm so glad that it wasn't too challenging of a day. I will continue to pray for you during this transition.

Stephanie said...

Stacy you will continue to be in my prayers as you transition back to work. I know after returning to work when we lost our baby it was very hard for me. I cried every day on my way to work. One day at a time is all that you can do. You did it today, you got through the first day. (((Hugs)))

Baseballs and Tutu's said...

I am sure it is going to be difficult but I want you to know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers each and every day.

sandi said...

I thought about you all day.

Cheryl said...

Stacey,

I will continue to pray for you and Spencer.

Cheryl

Jen said...

Stacy, going back to work was the worst part of losing Abby. It was like being forced back into a world I didn't want to be in.

I cried alot on the drive to and from work, and some days went to the bathroom and shed a few tears. It's not easy, just take it one day at a time. Much love.

Laura Ann said...

I am so glad you made it through the day. I lifted you in my prayers many times today, while I was at school myself. I am so grateful that your classroom was in order and the kids were sweet.

I have a giveaway on my blog you might be interested in, for your sweet baby boy. We gave one of these to our cousin last year that lost their only son, 2 years old at the time in a drowning accident. We had In Loving Memory, his name and the date put on the back of it.

I will continue to pray for you in the days ahead.

AmandaHoyt said...

Stacy,
I'm so glad you made it through the day. Sleep well tonight.
Hugs and prayers,
Amanda

AngelsAmid said...

I know it's not easy.. but I can't imagine. That's so sweet of that student to say that to you. (hugs) Little Isaac will always be missed and never forgotten (hugs)

I'm so glad God is always there bringing us through our moments of weakness.

grandmaof6 said...

I'm glad the day wasn't too hard for you. Continuing to pray for you and Spencer.

Stacey said...

Stacy,
I don't know how I found your blog, probably because we share the same name. I read some of the other comments and they honestly brought tears to my eyes. I love that "every day is one day closer to being with your sweet boy again." How true is that!! What a great attitude to have.
I don't feel like I have all that much to say, other than I have been praying for you all day. I will continue to pray for your transition.
Take Care,
<><

Erika said...

Stacy, I am glad you made it through the day. Praying that the transition gets easier for you. It took a great deal of courage for you to walk into that school today. I am so proud of you. HUGS.

Megan said...

Press on pretty girl. You are a testimony that all should be privileged enough to read about and see. You will get more of our Savior's peace with each day you seek Him in this Sea of Grief. I know, oh to well. I care and am comforted to have another along this journey with me. Look for Jesus tomorrow....He will be faithful to show Himself to you. I will pray that for you!

Anonymous said...

Praying now for you, and praying for day 2. I am so glad you brought a photo with you. I know it hurts to leave the comforts of home, and the closeness you may feel to Isaac there. Isaac is with you, even at school.

You continue to astonish me with your frank courage. May God's grace cover you like a warm blanket. Much love, Jill

all for him said...

DEAR STACY AND SPENCER,
WE ARE PRAYING FOR YOU. AS WE HAVE IN THE PAST WE JUST WANTED TO STOP BY AND LET YOU KNOW. WE ARE SENDING YOU LOTS OF LOVE AND HGS JANET AND JOLEA♥

The Bagley Bunch said...

I was thinking of and praying for you often today. So glad the Lord got you through it! I will continue in prayer :). Blessings on you!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

So grateful for His sufficient grace...and I know He will continue to give you grace for every step...

Praying for you...
Kelly

Anonymous said...

Yes Stacy one day at a time. I prayed for you last night that god gives you strength during this back to work time and that he guide your thoughts, feelings and actions and just comfort you thru this rough road. When going thru unimaginable things like this, it is better to surrender admist the fog and take the lords hand and trust him to guide you...God bless you and I will continue to pray for you.

Amber said...

I kept checking your blog all day yesterday to see how you did. It must have been such a hard day. I'm praying for you as you continue to transition back into work.

Anonymous said...

You continue to be in my thoughts, and I hope that today is another example of God's love for you. As a teacher myself, it seems that the kids somehow find the way to help us feel better when they sense we are at our lowest.

You and Spencer continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope today is another success.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I was thinking about you all day. I'm glad you made it through. Hugs!

Taylor said...

I'm so amazed by you Stacy. I'm glad you made it through the day and I hope that today goes well too.
<3 Taylor

clkocher said...

Glad you made it through the day. Praying for grace for each moment, easier days to come and a fresh a vibrant memory of your sweet boy.

Hope Wilson said...

Praying for continued grace & courage...

Anonymous said...

I thought of you all day yesterday and I continue to think of you today. I pray that this transition is as smooth as possible (albeit I am sure very difficult).

I do not know how you do it. I really don't. Your strength and resolve is inspirational and you are right, God's grace is a mighty and powerful thing.

Please continue to take one step at a time (no matter how small the stride may be). Isaac is watching over you always and I know he is holding your hand and is so proud of his Mom and Dad.

I pray for you daily.

Please take care.

Alexandra's Mommy said...

I am so glad that you had an ok day back at work! I just started to bawl when I read what the little girl said and how she just wanted to give you a hug! What a sweet little girl and I hope that she brought a smile to your face!

We hope the rest of the week goes by fast and that each day gets a little better!

The Schuler Family

hennhouse said...

Yes. One day at a time. Praying for your tomorrow.

boltefamily said...

You are so right. His grace is sufficient...He gives us enough every day to put one foot in front of the other. thank you for sharing your heart and your struggles. I will be praying for you!

Julie said...

Taking a deep breath in and out for you and with you. "Breathe" You did it!!! I'm so proud of you...and Isaac is, too!

One day...one moment...at a time.

Continuing to pray....

jamie shipley said...

Keeping you in our prayers

KKM said...

One moment at a time. You are an amazing mom, with an amazing son.

cynthia said...

Praying that each day gets a bit easier. As others have said, take it one hour at a time if you have to.

Jessica said...

i prayed for you several times yesterday, stacy. i'm glad it wasn't too bad for you and i'll keep praying that the transition goes smoothly.

Anonymous said...

Glad that your first day back went well...take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute or hour or class period at a time. I will continue to pray for strength for both you and Spencer.

Ami G

Mary said...

I found your blog a few weeks ago, and want you to know that you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers everyday since. I also wanted to let you know that through your courage and open heart in this blog, you have taught me how to be a better mother. I am blessed, and even more so because of your sweet Isaac. Through you, he has become a wonderful teacher to me. Thank you for giving him life. May you be blessed with happy memories, grace, courage, peace and continued faith.

Anonymous said...

The Lord your God is gracious and merciful, and will not turn away his face from you
2 Chronicles 30:9

Stephanie said...

ughhh, I am thankful we can go through this with you and hopefully bare a tiny part of your burden. I am so glad day 1 is over.
I am praying.

Charity said...

Continuing to pray as you face each new day and new challenges.

Anonymous said...

Stacy--you were really on my heart yesterday. I'm continuing to pray for God's grace and peace during this lonely, hard time. Whenever I read your blog God moves me to leave a comment so you know I'm reading and praying! Hope that makes you feel less alone. There are many hands holding you up to our God!

Sarah

Anonymous said...

So glad to read you made it thru the day.
My first day back after my M/C was difficult. People in my office wanted to express their condolences which was difficult for me to accept without breaking into tears. And then there were those who didn't know and would days/weeks later ask me how my pregnance was coming along...only for me to bum them out with the details and then burst into more tears. But it did get better with time, although I still feel grief for my first born. I know this pales in comparison to what you are going thru, just please know that many are here for you and are praying for grace.
Alicia

ann said...

Praying for you today, midday - MS midday is always a major re-group time. You made it through Day 1, and you will make it through today. God is good.

Anonymous said...

Still praying.........

Mrs B said...

Stacy,

Thank you for being so free with your emotions...you helped me in July before the birth of my baby and you help me now with your strength. May God grant you grace for every moment in the day.

Walking by Faith said...

Stacy,
I was praying for you! So glad to hear you made it through. What sweet students you have! Praying for you today too!

Laura said...

One moment at a time...praying for you. Keep breathing...praying He will fill your heart with hope, peace and comfort.

Michelle said...

I'm so glad you made it through your first day back! I'll be praying every morning that each day is better than the last.

Christine:) said...

Stacy- way to pray- "one class period at a time"! God will get you through each moment.....:)
Praying for you as always,
Christine:)

Sarah said...

I have prayed for you many times during the past two days. I can't imagine how difficult the days have been. Big hugs for you!

FSD said...

So glad you made it through the day! God is so faithful! One day at a time, one moment at a time....

E said...

After our daughter died, I went back to work 7 weeks later. I had all the bathrooms scoped out and my office unlocked at all times so I could duck in an just breathe. There was something to be said though about surviving that first day, and each day will become more routine again, whether you want it to or not.

I am thinking of you, I know your pain, unfortunately too many of us do, but we have all survived and many of us gone on to thrive, and I truly believe that you will too. I am so grateful for your honesty in all of this, it is so refreshing and therapeutic for me (even 6 years later) to hear someone be so open about their feelings and yet want to honor God at the same time. It is a struggle. I am praying for you that each day gets easier, but that your sweet baby will always be fresh in your mind. If it makes you feel any better, those images of your baby, the way he smelled, the way his skin felt, those things won't go away, I can speak from experience that I can vividly remember all of those things from our sweet baby girl. You will remember.

Abby said...

I'll keep you in my thoughts. I hope you find peace in some way each day.

JackiJaguar said...

Just stopping in to let you know that I'm continuing to pray for you. Glad to hear you got through the first day. As a teacher myself, I know how distracting a classful of kids can be on our worst days. In my worst moments, I don't usually lose it until my room is empty either (thank goodness). Once all of their voices leave the room, it's just me and my thoughts.