Saturday, November 1, 2008

Did I Dream It?

I was watching the Sex and the City movie with my mom this past week, and for those of you who have seen it, you know that Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) is stood up at her wedding by her fiance, Biggs. She and the girls go to her honeymoon destination anyway, and as she wakes up one morning, she turns to one of her friends and groggily asks, "Did I dream it?" to which her friend kindly replied, "No."

I can so relate to that. Some mornings shortly after Isaac's birthday I would wake up and wonder the same thing... "Did I dream it?" Because to me, clearly, this just can't be real. It just seems too horrifying. Now, I wake up and often think, "I can't believe I didn't simply dream it." The fact that all of this isn't only some horrific nightmare is abundantly clear; I just sometimes can't believe it all actually happened.

Today we went to Harpers Ferry, WV to walk around and get some lunch. It seemed like a good idea for a warm fall day, and it was... not only to us, but apparently to everyone else nearby who has recently had a baby. There were strollers, baby carriers, and smiling happy families everywhere... and I was so envious. I just wanted to scream to everyone within earshot, "Don't you know what has happened? Don't you know that I just lost my son?! How can you look at me and smile?? That should be us, too. There shouldn't be only two of us here..."

And so it is experiences like that which serve as a clear reminder, that no, I in fact didn't dream it. I know that in time, there will be more joy restored to getting out on a beautiful day and nosing around a town we haven't been to before or taking a hike along the river, but right now doing those things are a vivid reminder that it feels like someone is missing, and that I am deeply missing someone... my sweet Isaac.

To Isaac...
I love you and I miss you. I miss you so, so much and want more than anything for you to be here. I miss your soft sweet face, your fuzzy strawberry-blonde hair, your cute little turned up nose, your perfectly delicate hands and feet... I miss you holding on to my finger with your little hand, the way you felt in my arms when I held you... I just miss you so much it hurts.


I know all of these circumstances don't change who God is... He is always the same, and I know we can trust Him, even when things hurt so deeply and so badly and don't seem to make any sense. My head knows that... but my heart is just still really heavy. Thank you for continuing to pray for us...

57 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh, Stacy, I can't imagine the pain you must be continuing to feel, especially as you watch other people experience those things that you should be experiencing now as well. I will continue to pray for peace for you and your husband.

Anonymous said...

I know it is hard and I can only imagine how hurtful this time for you is right now. I will pray for some peace for your bleeding heart.

Connie Davis

Anonymous said...

I keep praying for you both in this painful and difficult time. It must be heart breaking seeing other families doing all the things you had hoped to do. Please never forget that Isaac is safe and he is well and he is happy. Our God is good. Sometimes we don't understand and it is all too hard, but he is always good. x

Anonymous said...

I know it's cold comfort, but time will help, you are grieving right now and it's a process. Take it as it comes and realize that you must go through this. God knew that your baby would need very special parents for the very short time he had on this earth and take comfort in the fact that he chose the both of you to guide Isaac home.

Amy, queen of the world. said...

I remember that feeling. I remember going to a restaurant and being seated by a brand new mommy with her brand new pink-covered baby, and I remember her pulling the pink-covered perfect baby out of the carseat and holding her while she ate... and I distinctly remember feeling like she was doing it on purpose because she knew I just lost mine, even though I had never seen her before in my life. I also remember sobbing in the restaurant... not my first (or last)public breakdown after the fact. For me, it has gotten better, even though 2 years later I still miss my first baby (even if it was "just a miscarriage")... but I know how different our circumstances are. I will just continue to pray that you will also feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

You are in my thoughts, every day. I just wish I could take some of your pain away. Wishing you peace and comfort-always.

KK said...

Stacy, I wish I could give you a big hug.
I am so very sorry for what you 'saw and felt' today while you were out.
And yes, I think "did I dream it" is something everyone goes through for quite some time after a hurtful life changing experience.
Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband daily, for healing, for peace of mind and for strength.
Praying without ceasing,
Kaye
Psalm 46:10

cc said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru...all the pain and heartache. You don't know me and I don't know you but my heart and prayers go out to you, your husband and other members of your family. Keep the faith -- He will certainly carry you.

KAL071203 said...

my hearts just breaks for you. I continue to pray for God to just hold you and spencer tight and give you his peace.

Hope Wilson said...

Praying "with" you in Macon, Georgia...

Angela said...

I remember after my Benjamin was born and we were still coping with the fact that he has Down syndrome, I was driving down the road and happened to look in the parking lot of a store. I saw people going in and out, seemingly happy and carefree. And I was so angry and confused. Didn't they know that I just lost the dream of my "normal" child? I bet those people will never have to raise a disabled child, etc, etc.

Obviously, my pain is not anything in the ballpark of your pain, but I just wanted to let you know that I have felt an inkling of what you experienced, and it is hard. And it is not fair. And it hurts. But you are so right that God is just the same. And He is bigger than our hurts and our tears. I'm so, so glad.

Anonymous said...

still praying for you

Jen said...

Still praying for you and aching for your loss- and Heaven's gain.

heidi marie said...

stacy i can't even imagine how hard this time must be for you. still praying for you and your husband.

heidi marie said...

stacy i can't even imagine how hard this time must be for you. still praying for you and your husband.

Cate said...

I know that feeling so, so well. I wish I had known you were in Harper's Ferry! I live so close to that! I would have loved to meet you and prayed with you.

You are still in my constant prayers. I'm sure our little ones are the best of friends.

Kelly said...

From one 'broken' mommy to another...

Im so sorry that you are hurting. That you are feeling this ache deep inside your heart. A pain that seems unbearable at times. Anger that has a tendency to sneak up and the most 'inappropriate times'. The feelings of woulda's, coulda's..and shoulda's. Feelings being completely alone in crowded places. Feelings of a sorrow greater than any you have ever known before..My heart aches for you because I too know these feelings. The 27th marked one year since I last held my baby girl Liberty..Can I honestly tell you.."one broken mommy to another" that it gets easier..no, I can't. My heart breaks just like yours, every single day - whether I outwardly show it or not - it's forever broken for that precious little soul I long to hold. I won't lie..it still hurts, even a year later...but what I will tell you is God can mold us and shape us the most when we are broken, and that is certainly good for His glory. Somehow we have to remember that God weeps when we weep. He too lost a child..He knows how we ache inside. And sweet Mary..she lost her beloved son too. I watched Passion Of the Christ for the first im in many years and boy oh boy did that movie REALLY speak to me! It was like God was reminding me that He has been where we are right now. He has cried for the child He so dearly loves. And goodness, watching Mary grieve for the son she too lost was like looking into a mirror. In that instant I KNEW that God was with me through all of this. And it was a very clear reminder of the fact that we will be with our precious babies again in Heaven..in God's timing. God is right there with us..He wants to carry this load. He wants to carry our fears, doubts and worry. He wants to carry our heartache and sorrow..so we have to continue to reach out to Him. Praise Him..Cry to Him..Lean on Him..Praise Him...etc. All day long if we have to - which is ultimately what He wants from us anyway! God is working on your heart right now..even as you see all the 'happy families' out there with babies galore! And remember they might be smiling on the outside but it doesn't mean there are not troubled on the inside. I know this all too well because we are one of 'those families'...we have Aspen, who is 3 and another baby girl born 9m and 3 days after Libby's passing..her name is Cheyenne - though we might find the strength to put on a happy face while we are out and about, my heart is still broken and I know your pain because we are a family of 5..but the world only see's a family of 4. In other words...you are not alone sweetie!

Im praying for you now and always! You are doing wonderful, I hope you know that. Your baby boy is SOOOO proud of you!! God bless you both!
Kelly

Cheryl said...

Stacy,

I can't begin to understand the pain that you are feeling right now, but please know that I am still praying for you.

Cheryl

Nichelle said...

Stacy, I continue to pray for you and your family. Praying to give you strenght, peace, mercy and to help you get up and out of bed one day at a time. I know how you feel about seeing EVERYONE around you with a little "happy" family. After our son died, I would just sit in the car and scream, "don't you know what I am going through???" Then God gave me a thought...If these people did know what I was going through, they would be crying along with me. I would just imagine all of them coming to my car and surrounding me with love and prayer. It helped a little.
I cry with you...you are not alone, I hope that brings a little comfort your way.
Daily praying for you Nichelle

Joan said...

(((((HUGS))))) and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Nothing I can say will ease your pain, I know. I just want you to know that I follow your blog, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and that you are not alone.

Foreverloves said...

On a day very similar to this one in terms of weather, my husband and I went away for our wedding anniversary, just a month after my sons died. (What a mistake that was, we had a miserable time). We went near Atlantic City and on one particularly warm day, we ventured to a little historic town with lots of shopping. There was a huge promenade full of shops, and since it was a Friday morning, I didn't expect to see many people there.

I was wrong. The place was packed, and it was to the brim with children in strollers. I could hardly bear it as we walked. I tried to ignore it, I tried to embrace it, but nothing worked. I felt as you did - didn't people realize that I'd just lost my twin boys? Couldn't they SEE? I remember skipping so many of the stores because there were too many children milling inside. We finally settled on a gourmet dog treat store where we bought some treats for our Poodle. I felt pathetic, as if we were attempting to purchase a dog treat because we couldn't push our sons in their stroller. The store felt like it was the only one we belonged in.

It will get easier, but it will take a lot longer than you'd like...and it will never be "easy". It's not easy now. Not for me, anyway.

Rachel C. said...

I am lifting you up in prayer today. My heart is so heavy for you and I know that only the Lord can hold you at a time like this.


Dear Jesus, please hold Stacy so close to you. Please be her strength, even if it is just enough strength to get through today. You will give her and Spencer all they need. Thank you for Stacy, thank you for letting me pray for a sister I've never met. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Debbie said...

My prayers are with you on this journey. I, too, would often feel like it was a dream and then a situation would remind me that our Walker is waiting for us in Heaven. God is watching us and hoping we come to Him at times of need so He can comfort us. Thanks for sharing and inspiring all who read.

MiniMe Mom said...

Hugs to you, and my prayers. I remember the year and a half we struggled to get pregnant feeling the same way. Like everywhere I went there were a million babies with happy, smiling perfect families. Time and again I cried out to God, WHY? I felt abandoned. Every Sunday at church I cried because all around me was new life.

Praying God will lift you up and bring you through this storm.

Amber said...

I know that part of the movie...and she goes right back to bed afterwards.
You went out yesterday! That's so awesome. I know you saw a lot of families, and that must be incredibly painful. But you did it. You got out of bed and went out, which is more than many, many of us could do, even almost a month later.
I'm so amazed by you. I know you don't have any other choice but to deal, but the grace and faith with which you have been handling the loss of Isaac is amazing.
No one can blame you for your anger, sadness, or despair, nor can we understand it at the level you can.
God understands that we have emotions, that we don't understand everything that he does.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Even as a stranger, I miss seeing Isaac for you, too, and I'm so glad you got such amazing pictures.
Continuing to be impressed by you.

Susan said...

I can relate, in a very small and incomparable way, to that envy you feel. There was a time when I so badly wanted another baby and it seemed like everyone else was having them. I kind of know that hurt you feel- but in no way was my hurt the same as yours.

I am proud of you for getting out and doing something normal, in your not-so-normal world. I think it is a step that would be very hard to take but God is helping you and He will continue to help you through these dark, dark days.

I've NEVER gone through what you have, but I have had dark days of depression where I felt like I was sinking with no chance for things to get better and God pulled me through it. I have faith that God will do the same for you. You will not be out of my prayers.

I may have mentioned before, that I share a birthday with Isaac. I will always think of him on this day and it will remind me to say a prayer for you.

Praying for comfort,
Susan Collins
Indiana

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

I'm crying and hurting with you.

Erika said...

Stacy,

Oh, I can so relate to this. I wake up often and wonder how THIS became my life- because, you know, the life I am SUPPOSED to be living is far different than this. Could this all be a dream and if so, when will I wake up?

I, too, see the babies and the strollers (especially the double strollers, since both of my twin daughters died) and each time I see them I cry inside. I cry not for what they have, but for what I have lost.

It is so hard to fathom the WHY of this. Three months after my girls' deaths I still have no answers. But I do have faith, and I just keep plugging away - asking God what I can do with my life and how I can be of service - when many days I just want to scream, "Oh Lord, please take me now so I can see my precious babies."

Much love and many continued prayers, sweet Stacy.

Love,
Erika

Catherine said...

Your post today breaks my heart. I can not imagine how you must feel. God Bless you and your husband!

Liz and Will Timmerman said...

Stacy,

I've tried to remember helpful things that were told to me when I lost my son, but I am coming up short. It wasn't so much the things that were said, but knowing that other people were thinking about me, and the impact my son had made on their lives. SO - I want you to know that Isaac Timothy's name is spoken in my house every day, and that my husband and I are praying for you and Spencer. You are doing amazingly well given the events you have been handed, and I know your son is so proud of you. Be patient with yourself, and allow yourself time to hurt and miss Isaac. It is a very important part of coming to grips with losing him, and learning to find hope and peace in the new life you have found yourself in.
Hugs and Prayers,
Liz Timmerman

Anonymous said...

Stacy-
Today is All Saints Day and I must say that you and Isaac have been resting heavy on my hearts today. My pastor said today that the hardest part of losing a loved one is the "neverness" of it all. "never holding their hand," "never giving another kiss," "never speaking to each other about your day." However, because we love the Lord, never is a lie. We are just bound by time. I pray that this time allows you remember your Saint, but also allows you the peace that passes understanding. You and Isaac are both Saints in my eyes... I strive to be more like you!
Christy (Bethany Beach)

Anonymous said...

I think of you and Spencer everyday, and am praying for you. Even though we have never met, I wish that I could give you a hug or offer some words of comfort. I will continue to pray that you feel God's arms carrying you through this difficult journey.

Anonymous said...

have you been able to read adrienne's story at noahsteven.blogspot.com
your stories aren't the exact same but she lost her sweet baby boy too and has helped bring peace and comfort to many women.
i can't imagine what you have been through but i keep thinking that i hope you know about adrienne, everytime i click over to your blog. your boy was beautiful :)

Huddle Girls said...

Dear Stacy,

I know hearing that everything you are feeling is normal and part of the process does not make it any easier, but everything you are feeling is normal. I can remember many mornings when I would first wake up and try to understand how this could be happening. Foolishly, I even thought once or twice if I kept my eyes closed a little longer maybe it would all go away. No amount of knowledge or preparation before Issac's birth could have prepared you for the loss of your precious son. The feelings of envy at the sight of other babies, strollers, etc are also very normal. It will take a while for that to pass. Sometimes I would just want to shout out at others, "Don't you know what has happened to me?? My son is gone and I don't know how I am going to go on!" It is extremely difficult to see the rest of the world go on with their lives while it feels like your life is at a standstill. My prayers continue to be with you and Spencer. I hope the return to work has been OK for him. I have said this often to you, but please continue to be patient and gentle with yourself. Take care, I am praying for you.

Blessings,
Amanda

Anonymous said...

I have been following your journey for quite some time now, and have prayed for you, Spencer, and Issac daily. I pray that God continues to heal you in ways unknown to us and that you can find peace in all of the sorrow.

While I am a stranger, today, when I woke up, the first thing that I thought of was the challenges that you face daily and how hard it is to wake up each morning and find that it is not a dream. When checking your post tonight, I was surprised that you were writing about this hard journey and how it is nothing but a dream. I sent a little extra prayer for you and Spencer on this difficult day.

Please know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many.

Amy said...

Remebering you in my prayers today!
Amy

Julie said...

Hang in there. You will have moments of "did I dream it" for quite some time. Almsto 5 years later, reading your post I was still feeling that about my babies. Holding you close...always.

Jen J said...

Stacy~
I just wanted to tell you that your post really resonated with me today. I don't know the pain of losing a baby, but my Grandfather died this weekend and I too was walking around this weekend wanting to shout "Don't you GET IT?"

You're so right though. The pain of mourning (especially in your case) doesn't change who God is, it doesn't change the fact that we will get to see our loved ones again - on the Last Day.

Thank you for your blog. It is such a gift to me and I appreciate your raw emotion that you allow to shine through.

God Bless You,
A friend in Superior, WI

Charity said...

Bless your sweet heart. I can't even begin to totally understand how devastated you are.

I found your blog a few weeks ago and have been keeping up with you. You have been in my thoughts and prayers daily. I am SO very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you.

I hope this verse helps you...you may already know it...

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Anonymous said...

I in no what know what you are feeling as I have never lost a child but I do know that there have been times in my life that I would look at people and think, do you know what just happened to me? How can you sit there and be happy when I am going through this?

I am sorry that you are at this point in your life. I wish that someone could make it better or help you. I think of you often (even though I don't know you IRL)and praying for the day when you and Spencer find happiness again.

Cynthia

Anonymous said...

I continue to pray for you Stacy and Spencer. God bless you both.
Alicia

Anonymous said...

I understand that feeling. It is really hard. My neighbor had a little boy about a month or so after we lost my son and they had balloons on the mailbox. i felt like they had no regard to what i was going through. As much as it hurts, I try to live my life not jealous of other's blessings because one day it will be my turn to be blessed. It takes much to gain much and i know when you receive your blessing through your circumstances you will understnad this.

Anonymous said...

I know it is not even close to the same situation, but I can relate (on a very teeny tiny scale) to seeing people with children when I was going through infertility and when I had a miscarriage. I would walk into a store and think how unfair it is that they get to be parents and I don't. I would hate seeing people mistreating their kids or yelling at them because I only could wish to have someone to chase after or watch over. There were days when I could not even stand to go to the grocery store or Target. My heart continues to ache for you and Spencer.

I continue to pray for peace and for healing. God is good and I know he and Isaac are watching over you every second of every day. Please take care.

Anonymous said...

continuing to pray for you and Spencer. I think about you every day.

Anonymous said...

before you were conceived i wanted you..
before you were born i loved you..
before you were here an hour i would die for you...
this is the miracle of mothers love!

i think you you and your husband daily!

Anonymous said...

I just read your blog recently. Your story has touched my heart. Your son was born on my birthday. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you, but I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know that I have not forgotten. I keep thinking about you and your family, your precious baby Isaac. My heart aches for you. God will make your heart lighter, and you will laugh again one day. Your sweet Isaac will always be with you.

Anonymous said...

"Be still and know that I am GOD."
- Ps. 46:10

Anonymous said...

Stacy, though I am a stranger to you, I think of you and your amazing strength. And I pray and think of your dear Isaac often. Little do you know, but you have inspired many women.

Kelly said...

Praying God's continued comfort for you and Spencer. Isaac was really here and the evidence is the hole left in your heart. I'm so sorry for every ounce of the pain you are feeling. My heart aches with you.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills-
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
Psalm 121

Mel said...

When I lost my daughter I had a dream about her. In this dream she came to me and said, "Mommy, I love you and I know that you love me, but Jesus can love me better. I'm here with him and I'm so very happy." She went on to say that she felt no pain and never would. The loss you feel in great, even now 7 years later I sometimes look at mothers and think "that should be me." Then I remember my dream and know that my sweet Anne girl is in a much better place. I will continue to pray for you.

AngelsAmid said...

Lots of prayers for you. And hugs (huge squeeze)

pollykinz said...

oh Stacy, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I can't even imagine how hard it must be everyday. please know you continue to be in everyone's prayers.

Molly said...

I'm still thinking of you and your son. It's not much but I'm saying a prayer for him.

Travelwahine said...

Continuing to pray for you and Spencer. I know the strength I received from our Lord was what kept me afloat when Ethan died.

I will pray for continued strength and peace for your family.

Anonymous said...

What I have found to be interesting is that we (humans) experience the same anger, pain and frustration even if our source of grief is different... what I mean is this: I have had that exact same moment, wanting to scream at the happy faces as I passed by in my agony... but mine was not the loss of a child, but the loss of a marriage. And a dear friend of mine shared with me the exact same feelings the day she and her husband walked together on what they both felt was the very end of her life (being given a very bad cancer diagnosis). Not to say our grief was as deep or the same, but somehow, to think that others have been 'there' before us, made me feel that there was hope... and there is hope for you, that in your life you will once again smile, and be happy. No, it won't ever be the same, but you will be okay.