Sunday, November 16, 2008

When You Least Expect It

Last evening, Spencer took me to dinner and to see Jim Brickman in concert, which by the way, was advertised as "An evening of romance with Jim Brickman." I married a great man! Truthfully, I could sit an listen to Jim Brickman play the piano for hours... he is extremely talented and his music is beautiful.

As we were parking the car and surveying the people who were walking towards the direction of the theater, I realized that most of the attendees were about 15-20 years older than us, which was perfectly fine with me. It was nice not to be confronted with images of what I feel like our life should look like and what I deeply desire for it to be... images of a husband and wife with their infant in a carrier; images of a mom walking while holding her little boy's hand.

And then it happened. It always happens when you least expect it. And no, babies were not in attendance at the Jim Brickman concert.

If you have viewed my other blog that's linked to this one, you'll notice that there's a beautiful song called "Never Alone" playing as you read through the letters I have written to Isaac; it features Jim Brickman. And he played it... last night. And while it was beautiful... I was bawling.

I had first stumbled across this song as I was trying to find the perfect one that would convey what a mom would want to tell her son, and I just really connected with it. But last night, as I listened, all I could think of was Isaac... how much I love him and how much I miss him... how much I want to just be able to hold him tight again... and how there is so much more I want to say to him and love that I want to give him, but can't.

A few people recently have shared with me a quote (from the show ER nonetheless!), the essence of which I had also read about in one of the (many) books I am reading: "When your parents die, your and orphan. When your partner dies, your a widow. When your child dies, there are no words for that."

Although Webster may not have defined one in his dictionary, I believe there is one, well two actually... a mother or a father. It just looks different.

You see, when your grandparents die, are you suddenly no longer a grandchild? And once your parents pass away, are you no longer their son or daughter? You don't suddenly cease to be these things. And although burying your child turns the world on its head feels so against the "natural" order of things, is it really any different? I don't think so. Instead of being a mom who gets to raise her son, I am a mom who will always be missing him. But I'm still a mom.

The writers of the quote from ER were right about one thing though... When your child dies, there are no words for that. It truly is a time of unspeakable grief and heartache. I guess that's why Job's friends didn't say anything to him for those seven days in which they just sat on the groung and mourned with him.

To Isaac:
You're never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone


Baseballs and Tutu's said...

How sweet of Spencer to think of something for the two of you to do together!

Honey...there will never be a day you won't think of and miss Isaac. I have never experienced what you're going through but I just know in my heart that he will always remain with you wherever you are! May God give you peace and strength to get through this difficult time!

I am praying for you!

Catherine said...

I have been a follower of your blog for a while now and I have commented before but I just wanted to know that I am still praying for you and your husband. Your post was beautiful. God Bless you!

Open your Eyes. said...

Beautiful - that is all I can say xxx.

Christy said...

I think of you,pray for you and cry with you daily. You are never alone and you will always be a mommy.

sandi said...

You are beautiful writer. I love visiting your blog.
Still praying for you.

Rachel E. said...

Praying for you, Stacy.

Devon Rene said...

stacey - you are a mom! you will forever be and i can only imagine how hard it must be to have no where to direct that "mom" energy. just know you are an amazing mom and you were called to do what no parent should have too....

i am so glad you have a wonderful hubby to walk this journey with. makes the sting a little less, huh?

love you sweet friend!

Cate said...

While my story is different from yours (we lost our little one at 10 weeks), I know your grief. I danced to "Never Alone" at my wedding with my dad, and then, almost a year to the day later, I fell apart as I listened to it for our child. I don't have a baby here now, but I am still a mother. Some people don't get that, but I am so, so glad someone else understands. I have been praying to hear that from someone else for so long now. God does answer prayers.

Cara said...

Coming together as husband and wife, as mother and father through your grief is a horrific and beautiful time.

Thank God that you have Spencer and her hears your needs.

boltefamily said...

Thinking of you and remembering Isaac are right there are no words. If only our culture embraced the idea of sitting Shiva.

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

Oh're one of the best moms I know. Loving and praying always, Monica

Kelly said...

Beautiful, Stacy...I love the way you share your heart in your writing. And I am so grateful God has given you the gift of Spencer and the love you both share. You are a beautiful, wonderful mother...nothing can ever take that away from you. You are the mother of Isaac...always. And the song is true, dear friend...You are never alone.

Praying continually for you...

Nichelle said...

No words for you today...just tears.
Still praying for you, Spencer and family.

Anonymous said...

Along with everyone else here, I continue to pray for you and Spencer.


Kendra S-L said...

I am so glad you had a date night and am glad that Brickman's rendering of the song was right on key. I believe it was played for you, Stacy...It reminds me in a special way of this time that I met this writer that I admire so much. It was kind of awkward because I wanted to tell him that his words brought me comfort when I had to prepare a eulogy for someone whom I loved so much. I told the writer that I was almost through with giving the eulogy and then I quoted his work and then I really lost it. The writer told me that it was because I needed to cry, and that he was glad his words could enable me to do what I needed to do. I am glad for you that you have friends, family, books, and even music that are letting you to experience this grief, although it may seem like everything you do doesn't even quell even the smallest bit of that grief, but I know it would be so much worse if you didn't feel it and feel it now. My prayers are with you and I continue to thank you for your brave BRAVE words of honesty here. Bless you!

Lynette said...

From reading your letters to Isaac i now have this song on my ipod - I pray for you and Spencer when i hear it.
thinking of you,
lynette x

Anonymous said...

I usually do not watch ER and did this week and thought of you, especially when they said the quote. There really are not any words or a way to prepare for the loss of a child. Isaac is always your son and you are always his mother!

I pray for you and Spencer everyday! I am not sure how you all are doing it but I guess it is just one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time, one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time and one day at a time.

Please take care.

Foreverloves said...

You are always a mom, and you are always HIS mom. In time, you will find ways to express the love and parenting desires that you have in tangible ways that are honoring to Isaac. It will never be what you want. I spend a lot of time with my sons at their cemetery. I take great care clearing away leaves and bringing fresh flowers, even in cold weather like this. Some might say it's a waste; that they are not "there", so why bother. I agree that they are not really "there" but it is a way for me to be their Mommy in the only way I can.

Spencer did such a sweet thing!

Brookeann said...

You never cease to amaze me. What a tribute you have created to Isaac. You are both wonderful parents. I continue to pray that you will both heal.

Hope Wilson said...

Reading & taking it in...thank you.

Sara said...

I have been praying for you. I know how difficult it is, and I am praying for you.
Isaac looks down upon you and is so proud of you. You will see him again, and it will be glorious.
God bless...

AmandaHoyt said...

There are no words for what you've been through - except I am so sorry for your loss - and I am praying for you each day.
I too watched ER and was bawling when that quote was said. It is very true.
I hope you feel the Lord's loving arms around you tonight as you try to rest.
Hugs and prayers,

Anonymous said...


I have been following your blog for a while now and when I read your post tonight I cried. My sister in-law delivered my niece at 24 weeks she was stillborn. I heard this song a few months after Kailyn passed away and I cried. It is an awesome song and has so much meaning to it. I listen to it when I feel down about her passing. I know I am never alone and she will always be there. I held my niece once and that is a moment I will never ever forget. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. Your son is so blessed to have such amazing parents.

AngelsAmid said...

Those moments always happen when you least expect them to. Sounds like a wonderful idea Spencer had- he sounds like a great husband. Just know I'm always praying for you all- everyday.. I think of you everyday

asplashofsunshine said...

Absolutely! You are a mommy on a journey through motherhood. It is different than other journeys, but definitely a journey.

lottfam said...

My heart aches as I read your blog . . . I do believe God will comfort and give strength to those he gives trials to -- He knows you are able or He would not have chosen you (even though you do not understand why). Continue to daily ask Him for strength and allow Him carry you through. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Susan said...

Praying for you tonight....

Genevieve said...

Your blog always touches me so. My husband and I went to see Jim last year. I enjoyed every song he played.

I'm praying God will give you such comfort. I feel for you, truly I do. Peace to you dear one.

Jeff and Melissa Blair said...

Just beautiful. I am so glad that you found a song that will always keep Isaac's memory alive.

Good luck on your return to work this week - I will be praying for the day to go smoothly and that your students will make you smile.

Amy said...

I am deeply sorry for your pain. My son was born with CHD and lost his battle on October 31st. He would have turned 3 on November 15th. I truly know how difficult this is. I am so sorry, no parent should ever have to watch their child die.
Jack's mommy

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through another and think of you and your sweet baby often. You are an amazing mother. Got this today and thought of you.

Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You? ~
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say..."

We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mum,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mummy set me free.

I miss my mummy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows were I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear
Mummy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize
You are a mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one

FSD said...

You continue to be in my prayers. And you're right, when your child dies, you're still a mother or a father. What beautiful words. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Stacy, I found your blog on the day of Isaac's birth. Since then, I have prayed for you and your family each day. I continue to pray that God will give you and Spencer, strength, hope and joy. Isaac continues to touch so many lives as do you. You are one of the bravest mommies I have ever "known". Your story has renewed and increased my faith in God. I think of you and pray for you each time I hear that song...which is pretty often because it's on my blog too!

Heather said...

One day, although these moments always hurt. I believe you will cherish them because they provide that connection to isaac that makes him so real.

Mandie Lane said...

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and Spencer and Isaac and pray for your comfort and strength. Your little boy has touched so many hearts, Stacy. And he is so, so blessed to have you as his mother.

Tracey said...

You will ALWAYS be Isaac's mom.

LWiltsey said...

I was at Target earlier listening to the instrumental CD's and came across Jim Brickman...I hadn't heard of him until you mentioned him on your blog...I got his HOPE CD to play in my classroom.

Know you and Spencer are in my thoughts and prayers. Whenever I read your blog, I always think to myself how blessed Spencer is to have a wife like you (and I know you feel just as blessed to have a husband like him).

Lori (Spencer's friend from SSU)