Friday, November 7, 2008

One Month Ago...

As I was in bed last night, I got to thinking about how one month ago, on October 6, I barely slept a wink in anticipation of what the next day would bring. I knew that I would get to meet my sweet Isaac... the little "thumbs up" guy whose kicks and wiggles I had felt for months, who I wrote to each morning, who I played music to, who I prayed so hard for, and who I loved and wanted so, so much.

On Tuesday, October 7, I woke up early to write one last letter to Isaac before he was born and to play music for him one last time. And I prayed... oh, how I prayed that even in the "eleventh hour" God would unfold the miraculous; it wasn't too late.

I remember getting to the hospital and being greeted by our wonderful nurse Kathy and going back to the room that would be ours for the day. It wasn't long before I was in my stylish hospital gown and hooked up to an IV. Our family came to say hello and our pastors came to pray with us before we went back for Isaac's delivery. I remember being so afraid of getting a spinal... something that has terrified me for a long, long time; but what I had hoped would happen, did... I was too concerned about Isaac and what it would be like to meet him that it wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought.

Eventually, Spencer was brought into the OR as well, and my wonderful doctors began my c-section. We had both memorized Psalm 121 so that we could say it together during the procedure in an effort to be focused on something other than the doctors' voices and the tugs I was feeling. A little while later, at 8:33am, my beautiful... and I mean beautiful... son was brought over to us; and 16 minutes later, at 8:49, he was in heaven.

We were fortunate enough to have been able to have Isaac with us as long as we wanted, and so we kept him for quite some time... we made molds of his sweet little hands and feet, got his footprints on everything from our Bibles to Christmas ornaments, took hundreds of pictures, prayed with him, told him how much we love him and how proud we are of him, hugged him and kissed him, and did everything we could to take all the love we'd want to give him in a lifetime and somehow channel it into the time we had with him.

But it wasn't enough... time, that is. Truthfully, it could have never been enough.

Today is hard... I thought it would be. It's hard thinking that I should be celebrating my 1-month old, and instead I will be spending time at his grave weeping. It's hard thinking back to October 7, just one month ago, and already feeling like there's this vastness separating me from the last time I was able to see and hold and snuggle with my son, yet the heartache is still so real and so fresh.

Please pray for us today, that God would uphold us with His peace, give us enough grace for each moment, and would allow us to look back on Isaac's birthday with at least a small sense of joy and awe of our beautiful son.

57 comments:

Baseballs and Tutu's said...

Praying for you today as I do each day. May you find peace in God and know that Isaac will always remain with you.

Hugs coming to you today!

Anonymous said...

oh how i woke up thinking about your family this morning. faithfully praying for you and Spencer as you navigate this path.

Cara said...

Stacy - I will be praying for you as you weep over his grave today. 1 month - the first of the firsts.

Words cannot take away any of your pain or frustration with that word, "time".

I only send ((big hugs)) and prayers for your soul to endure this, minute by minute, day by day.

David said...

May you find peace and comfort, as we all shed a tear for you amazing son.

boltefamily said...

praying for you Stacy as you continue on this journey. you are never alone!

Anonymous said...

God bless your heart and Spencer's.

Susan said...

Praying for you to find joy in the sorrow, Stacy.

rebecca said...

I am praying many prayers for you and sending you lots of hugs today. I ache for your loss and have been raising you and Spencer up to the Lord on a daily basis.
God Bless You!

Rebecca said...

I will be praying for you. My heart aches with you and Spencer.

Anonymous said...

Stacy,

I have been praying for God to please send some relief for your broken heart, especially today. You are such an inspiration to me and your faith in God is amazing. Thanks again for sharing your feelings and thoughts on this day.

Connie

Angela said...

I will pray that you will never forget the sweetest time, but that the pain will ease. Lots of prayers to you today and always.

Melanie said...

Stacy dear you will be in my prayers today as well. As our hearts ache so much of losing a little one when all we want is to be able to have them in our arms. Im grieving with you as well and I wish I could just sit with you and talk and cry and hug you BUT since I can't the Lord is the one with His arms opened wide. Cradle in His arms and may you feel His tender loving peace. God bless you and your hubby. (FYI Oct. 6th was my delivery date but my baby only lived in my womb for 9 weeks) I am a grieving angel mommy as well.

boltefamily said...

Hello Stacy!

I sit here in tears after reading your comment on my blog and though you did not say anything profound or provide answers for me, you made me feel a little less alone in this.

I hesitated to publish that blog. It is what is real though and I am tryng to be real and honest. Thanks for not judging me and just understanding.

I am very thankful for you and for your sweet Isaac!

KK said...

Praying without ceasing for you and your husband today, for peace of mind and strength for this day.
Kaye
Psalm 46:10

Jessica said...

i'll be praying for you and spencer today.

Amanda said...

Praying for you today- that you remember the wonderful time that you got to spend with sweet Isaac but also praying that God is with you during this difficult time.

With love and prayers
Amanda

Michelle said...

Stacy - Praying for you everyday, especially today. I know there are no words I can say, just know that you and Spencer are an inspiration. Isaac was blessed to have you as his parents. May God give you strength, today and everyday.

Anonymous said...

Still praying for you! You have so much strength. I admire you!!I ready your blog everyday when I arrive at work. It usually brings me to tears, but again I just can't explain what in inspiration you and your son are!

ana banana said...

I have cried so many times reading your blog. I don't know you, but will be praying for you! You are so strong and an amazing woman of Christ.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I pray that you have a beautiful and sunny day at Isaac's grave as God smiles down on you.

Julie said...

Stacy and Spencer - continuing to send many, many prayers for your heavy hearts. As others have said - this is just the first of many firsts...and in time, they will get easier. Hard to see now, I know.

It is so great that you are able to type on this blog and remember the details of these days. You won't ever forget, but knowing you have this journal to re-read can help ease the mind as you work through this grief work.

I know we have never met, but I wish I could give you a big hug and cry with you. HOlding you in prayer...always.

Daberath said...

Praying for you!

sandi said...

I sill think about you often and pray for you nightly. I know your prayers are being heard and I pray that YOU feel they are being answered.

Brenda said...

Your faith is blessing so many. You are an encouragement to all that are suffering. Continue to cling to God, he will give you all the peace and comfort you need moment by moment. In Christ love, Brenda

lots_of_love_four_kids said...

Praying for you and crying with you too. You are NEVER alone.
God Bless You.
-Jenni

Kelly said...

You are in my prayers today and everyday.

Anonymous said...

38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Praying always.

Cynthia

Dixie said...

Will definitely pray, Stacy.

Katie said...

I am in awe of your faith and your grace. Your beautiful Isaac is so blessed to have you as his Mommy. The care you took of him. The love you have for him.
May you find a small measure of comfort in the inspiration you are to others and how very many people care and are praying for your family.

Liz and Will Timmerman said...

You are in my heart today. Praying for you...

Amy said...

Praying for you today! (((HUGS)))!
Amy

Anonymous said...

Stacy and Spencer,

I cannot imagine how tough today will be and I cannot imagine how dark and lonely the last month has been. It is so strange that time can be both a friend and an enemy. I pray for you daily and I pray that God will bring you some peace today.

I know God and Isaac are looking over both of you today. Thank you for the wonderful gift you have bestowed on all of us, and that is letting us get to know you and your sweet, precious and beautiful Isaac. My heart aches for you both and I pray that the ache in your hearts may begin to heal.

Please take care.

Anonymous said...

Stacy and Spencer,

I cannot imagine how tough today will be and I cannot imagine how dark and lonely the last month has been. It is so strange that time can be both a friend and an enemy. I pray for you daily and I pray that God will bring you some peace today.

I know God and Isaac are looking over both of you today. Thank you for the wonderful gift you have bestowed on all of us, and that is letting us get to know you and your sweet, precious and beautiful Isaac. My heart aches for you both and I pray that the ache in your hearts may begin to heal.

Please take care.

mrsrubly said...

praying for you today! sending all the cyber hugs i can send! my heart aches for you today!

Anonymous said...

I think of your family every single day and will pray once again for you on this difficult day. Thank you again for sharing your inspiring story with the world through this blog. You and Spencer are stronger than you may ever know...

Erin said...

Stacy-I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you. I don't know how you feel so all I can say is that Jesus loves you and He loves your little guy. Rejoice in His love. My heart aches for you and even though I don't know you I wish you weren't going through this.

Perseverence said...

Yes, absolutely gorgeous and perfectly made. I prayed for you, for months and cried when I saw the update that Isaac had gone to heaven. I had fasted and prayed. Asked others to pray. I was so sure that Isaac would live as I told God that I just knew you and Spencer would shout this miracle from the rooftops. That you would tell everyone for the rest of your life of the miracle He had performed.
I was shocked when it didn't turn out this way. In the last month, I am still praying for you and so sad that you have had to endure this grief, longing and awful road. However, I know, as you know, that his work is complete in Isaac. Isaac has changed my life and I know touched many more.
I will be praying, as always, for you and Spencer today. For comfort, strength, peace and an overwhelming sense of pride in your son that has impacted this world for Christ.
God Bless You today.

John 14:18-20
I will not leave you comfortless-in a bereaved and desolate condition.....I will come to you.


Psalm 61:2,From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I

Emma's Mommy said...

Stacy, I will be praying for you and Spencer today as you remember your beautiful boy. This is a rough journey that the Lord has sent you on, I pray that he will give you the strength to continue down this path where you may find peace.

Delayna said...

Much love to you and Spencer. We'll continue praying...

Marissa said...

my prayers have been with you and will continue to be with you.

Courtney said...

Praying for you today as you celebrate the one month of joy Issac has felt in heaven and the one month of sorrow you morn with out him here with you. It is so hard for us to understand God's plan for us but all that matter is that we know it is his plan.

Sam said...

I came across your blog reading Audrey's story and I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss and I among the many others will also be praying for you. I know how it feels to have others praying with you, it just makes you feel a little better sometimes. God brings us all together in miraculous ways and this is one of them. My heart goes out to you and your family. Take care and again you are in my prayers. I dont think I could go through what you are going through, you are a hero in my eyes. Thank you for that.

LMP said...

My heart is heavy as I think of you and Spencer while you navigate these unchartered waters. I think of you and sweet, little Isaac every day. Wishing you peace and comfort tody and always.

Anonymous said...

I remembered that this was a big and hard day for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know how much comfort it is to know that people are thinking about you and wishing they could take just even part of your burden of sadness from you. Know that when you are at his grave today that you have all of us putting a hand on your shoulder in support.
Marinabride

Devon Rene said...

you are in my heart today...and everyday.

our boys share the 7th as their day of entering heaven. sorry we have this bond but glad we have each other to walk with...

Mary said...

Oh Stacey,
My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry that you have to go through today. I can't even imagine the pain that is in your heart right now.

Isaac is looking down on you from heaven and watching over you and your husband, of this I am sure.

Anonymous said...

Prayers are continuing to go up to Him from here in Chicagoland. Your family continues to inspire me daily & sweet little Isaac has made an impression on my heart that will be with me always. What a neat legacy for Isaac to leave. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I also woke up thinking of you both - like I was praying in my sleep. And I keep on praying for you and Spencer and just remembering the beauty of your Isaac. And of course his beauty continues as does his calling. Together you are making a difference to so many people. And I know that does not stop for one second the pain when you need to hold your baby and the misery of missing him. I pray for peace for you and comfort and I ask God because only he can give you that. And my heart aches for you.
Jx

Anonymous said...

Big hugs today, Stacy! I'm thinking about you and Spencer and praying you continue to find the strength to make it through this. God Bless!

Travelwahine said...

Stacy and Spencer,
I pray that the Lord gives you strength during this journey of grief. I know how hard it is to lose your precious baby.

Remembering Isaac with you.

Charity said...

Thought of you much this morning as I kissed my 18 month old's pudgy hand - spent extra time enjoying it because I know that not everyone gets that chance. Thank you for helping me realize this and to treasure these moments. I kept seeing the pic of you kissing your sweet Isaac in my mind and I continue to pray for you Stacy. May peace be yours today as only God can provide.
Charity

Jocelyn said...

I send to you and your husband, prayers for peace and healing. Such sadness for such a wonderful family! I am with you in spirit and in prayers!

The Barron's said...

You and your husband have so much strength it is amazing! I pray for you everyday. I can only imagine what you are going through. Take it day by day. May God's grace and peace be with you.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and Spencer.My heart aches at the very thought of today, and what it means for you. May you feel God's grasp around you.

Jen

AmandaHoyt said...

I'm praying for you and your husband, Stacy.
Hugs,
Amanda

Kendra ;) said...

I just came across your blog. Your son is beautiful. I can not imagine the pain of your great loss...you are in my thoughts and prayers. :)

Kelly said...

I am so grateful for the life of your beautiful, sweet Isaac and for the heart of his beautiful, sweet mother. Thank you for sharing him and for sharing your heart, Stacy.

Still praying for you,
Kelly
(The Beauty of Sufficient Grace)