Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Give Thanks

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, a few of the blogs I frequent have talked a lot about thankfulness recently. One in particular talked about how the Bible admonishes us to both be thankful in everything, and thankful for everything.

Ephesians 5:20 says, "...always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." I acknowledge that I have a lot to be thankful for... for Jesus and His finished work on the cross, for a wonderful husband, irreplaceable family and friends, the chance to have had a wonderful pregnancy and to have given birth to an absolutely beautiful son, for a secure job in tough economic times... I could go on. But thankful for everything? I'll be honest. I am not thankful for the fact that Isaac died. I would give anything for him to be here this Thanksgiving, and next, and for many Thanksgivings to come. I don't know how to reconcile this verse with circumstances that have unfolded these past few months.


Yet somehow, I can manage the idea of being thankful in everything a bit better. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Even though Isaac's absence is profoundly obvious and noticeable to me all the time, in the midst of the pain and the grief, my heart can still be postured in a state of gratitude. Right now, that is a daily, conscious decision that is often times hard to make, particularly on days like today where I just really miss him, but it's a decision that is possible to make.


There are many details surrounding my pregnancy with Isaac and his birth that I truly am thankful for... for the wonderful doctors who managed my care during my pregnancy; for the hospital staff who made all sorts of accommodations for us to be comfortable; for nurse Kathy who attended to Isaac's care and our every request for making memories with him; for the beautiful pictures that Bill was able to take; for our family making countless sacrifices and loving us so sacrificially; for our small group who in Christ-likeness has so faithfully prayed for us and with us, and who have so selflessly attempted to meet any need that has arose; for the chance to meet Isaac while he was still alive and to have the chance to spend time studying all of his little features, seeing evidence of both my and Spencer's physical traits. I know there are many, many more.


I was told that the holidays were going to be hard. And they are. I miss Isaac a lot today. Please continue to pray for us this holiday season; I know his absence will be a lot more evident and real to us during this time, and we could really use your continued prayers for comfort and peace.


This morning before work I was running on the treadmill listening to Josh Groban on my iPod. I don't know what in that sentence is more surprising... that I was running, that it was before work, or that Josh Groban was my music of choice. Anyhow, his song "Awake" came on and for the first time the lyrics really hit me. And yes, albeit discretely, I cried while running on the treadmill. The words brought me right back to the morning of October 7...

"Awake"

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today

And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

I remember so vividly not wanting to forget anything about those moments that Isaac was alive, laying right there next to me. I knew our time together was going to be short, and I just wanted to be fully present so that I could take it all in. And it truly is only time that is teaching me how to carry on without having him here... with the limp, a piece of my heart missing it is a really hard thing.

Yet in the midst of it, I am still so incredibly thankful.... thankful for Isaac, for those moments we were able to share in those 9 months and 16 minutes...

42 comments:

Jenn said...

I've never commented before but just wanted you to know that I am still praying....especially during this holiday season. Isaac has touched many people including me and for that, I am thankful. God bless you and Spencer.

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

My prayers continue to be with you as you miss your sweet Isaac.

Andrew and Zachary's Mommy said...

Praying. Faithfully praying.

FSD said...

Praying for you this holiday season. "Awake" - what beautiful and meaningful words.

TresNinos said...

As always, what a beautiful & thoughtful post, Stacy. My continued prayers.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Giving thanks for you, Stacy...and for the beautiful life of Isaac.

May He bless and keep you and Spencer this Thanksgiving as He carries you...

rebecca said...

What an absolutely beautiful post. I am keeping you in my prayers as the Holiday season is upon us.
God is faithful...He will sustain you...as He already has.
God Bless!

Kelly said...

I know your pain all too well..Im sorry that you too are hurting this holiday season. Thanksgiving and Christmas (well every holiday for that matter) take on a whole new role in our lives after we lose a sweet baby..

Im praying for you and your husband. I ask that you please pray for me and my family as well - we are having a hard time without our precious girl....

God bless you sweetie and thank you for all that you do!

In His Love,
Kelly Lilberty's mommy forever...

Alexandra's Mommy said...

Know that we are still thinking about you and Issac! We hope you are able to enjoy thanksgiving and time with family and friends or whomever you choose to be with!

The Schulers

Anonymous said...

Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted."

I'm praying you will have the blessing of comfort. I can't imagine your loss. Please remember in the hardest times in the darkest hours, Issac lives with his heavenly father. In a place more glorious than can be imagined. You are a birth mother. Your child has been adopted by the King of Kings. Rejoice for you child is blessed and having a magnificient Thanksgiving.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I will pray and pray for your comfort. As you have said Issac is safe, happy and secure and some day you will have a glorious reunion.

Stephanie said...

Stacy...you continue to amaze me with your strength. I am thankful that I came across your story and I was able to share in prayer for you. I'm keeping you in my prayers!

Laura said...

Ever since I found your blog yesterday, the image of Isaac's hand holding your finger has been etched into my mind. What wonderful and precious moments for you to cherish of your son, yet such a devastating sadness I feel for you on your loss. My thoughts will be with you during the holidays.

Laura said...

I also wanted to say that song Awake is beautiful and so appropriate for you and Isaac. *tears*

Cara said...

"Give thanks in all circumstances"
Wow - what a directive to follow. But you are right. It is a choice. But, it is important to remember that it is ok to just melt away for a bit too. To feel and wallow. Totally ok!

Katie said...

That is my absolute favorite picture of you with Isaac. It is as perfect as he is.

Jocelyn said...

I sit here today with tears in my eyes. I prayed for you and your family and I ask for peace and guidance. I follow your Blog and you have such a wonderful heart to share this time with all of us! Your Sweet Baby Issac is a blessing to all of us! He is a reminder of our gifts and what we need to treasure, moments!!!! God Bless you and your husband!

Jaime said...

I will be praying for you this holiday season. Christmas is still difficult for us as that is when I was put on bedrest, still hoping for a miracle that didn't come. We made a beautiful ornament with a copy of our baby's footprints in them. It keeps her in our hearts during the holiday season.

Laura said...

I just have to say that I have been following your story for quite some time and I frequent it often to see your son's beautiful little face. He really is one of the "prettiest"(sorry, I know I am supposed to say handsome! :)) babies I have ever seen.
When I see his little face for some reason gives me a boost during the day...
Just thought I would share.
Thoughts and prayers with you...
Laura from PA

Anonymous said...

Still praying in Chicagoland.

Anonymous said...

You are never far from my thoughts. I wish you Peace and Comfort today, tomorrow...and all the days to come. With love...

Rachel C. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachel C. said...

I'm impressed that you are running :)

You will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow (and right now, too!!)

So Blessed said...

Praying that the Lord will make His presence known to you in a mighty way and that you will be strengthened and comforted.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving...

Christy said...

I'm praying for you.

Valerie and Eric said...

Beautiful post. Your family is in my prayers this holiday season.

Jennifer said...

Praying that God is with you in a way you can FEEL.

AmandaHoyt said...

Stacy,
I'm praying that you feel a peace that only He can give to you this holiday season.
Hugs,
Amanda

Becca said...

I'm praying for you, especially during the holidays.

That verse has always reminded me of The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. Her sister beautifully quotes it. I won't try to relate the details from the book because it's been years since I read it and I'm sure I'd botch the story. If you've never read the book I would encourage you to. Corrie's faith and love of the Lord is inspiring!

tintedsky said...

as im typing this, tears are falling..

hugs

Open your Eyes. said...

You have honestly brought tears to my eyes. Even though I am British and we do not celebrate thanksgiving I want to say I thankful to you. For making me realise the things I am always been aware of but never really related to...Happy Thanksgiving to yourself, your husband and Isaac.
xxxx

Nicole said...

The words to the song are beautiful, making the tears pour from my eyes. Thinking of you today and thanking you for your honesty and inspiration that you give to us all!

heidi marie said...

as always you are in our thoughts and prayers...God bless

Travelwahine said...

Stacy,
Every time I come to your blog, I cry. I cry for Isaac I cry for you and Spencer.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Today my heart is heavy for all of us.

Along with you, I am thankful. Thankful that I was able to experience pregnancy, and hold my beautiful baby, even if he was born still.

Thinking of you today.

Anonymous said...

Your blog entry brought me to tears. There are so many things to be thankful for and my heart aches at the fact that your sweet Isaac is not here with you, however, I know that he is watching over you and Spencer every second of every day.

I continue to hold you both in my prayers and will add extra prayers during this holiday season.

Please take care.

Anonymous said...

I am so thankful that a friend shared your blog with me, and that led me to read your testimony on the awesome power of God and faith. My heart still breaks for your broken heart, and I will continue to pray for your and Spencer's journey.
Alicia

JackiJaguar said...

Hey, I just wanted you to know that with the holidays here, I'm saying extra prayers for you and your family.
Thinking of you, Jacki

Anonymous said...

I was in my car the other day running errands listening to that very Josh Groban cd and as I heard that song, I thought of you, Spencer and Isaac. I'm so glad that you were able to find some peace and comfort in those words. I continue to pray for you and your family. And your blog reminds me every day of what I have to be thankful for. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers through this holiday season. Many hugs to you!

Devon Rene said...

i've been thinking of you a lot this weekend...just wanted you to know.

i know our boys are dancing together in heaven...

love you sweet friend.

Kristinah said...

Stacy-
My heart hurts with you. You're in my thoughts and prayers this season.
-Kristinah

Valerie said...

Just wanted to let you know that I continue to think about you, Spencer, and Isaac. Sending you continued prayers...

Danielle Holsapple said...

I couldn't have said it better. I, too, have a hard time being thankful FOR my son's death. But, like you, I can be thankful for what God has done for me during these difficult last months. Thanks for the reminder to be thankful FOR and IN everything. Blessings....

Ang said...

Hi, I have never posted before either and just wanted you to know I will be praying for you family!! God is Able to heal your pain and help you go on. Blessings!