Give Thanks

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, a few of the blogs I frequent have talked a lot about thankfulness recently. One in particular talked about how the Bible admonishes us to both be thankful in everything, and thankful for everything.

Ephesians 5:20 says, "...always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." I acknowledge that I have a lot to be thankful for... for Jesus and His finished work on the cross, for a wonderful husband, irreplaceable family and friends, the chance to have had a wonderful pregnancy and to have given birth to an absolutely beautiful son, for a secure job in tough economic times... I could go on. But thankful for everything? I'll be honest. I am not thankful for the fact that Isaac died. I would give anything for him to be here this Thanksgiving, and next, and for many Thanksgivings to come. I don't know how to reconcile this verse with circumstances that have unfolded these past few months.

Yet somehow, I can manage the idea of being thankful in everything a bit better. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Even though Isaac's absence is profoundly obvious and noticeable to me all the time, in the midst of the pain and the grief, my heart can still be postured in a state of gratitude. Right now, that is a daily, conscious decision that is often times hard to make, particularly on days like today where I just really miss him, but it's a decision that is possible to make.

There are many details surrounding my pregnancy with Isaac and his birth that I truly am thankful for... for the wonderful doctors who managed my care during my pregnancy; for the hospital staff who made all sorts of accommodations for us to be comfortable; for nurse Kathy who attended to Isaac's care and our every request for making memories with him; for the beautiful pictures that Bill was able to take; for our family making countless sacrifices and loving us so sacrificially; for our small group who in Christ-likeness has so faithfully prayed for us and with us, and who have so selflessly attempted to meet any need that has arose; for the chance to meet Isaac while he was still alive and to have the chance to spend time studying all of his little features, seeing evidence of both my and Spencer's physical traits. I know there are many, many more.

I was told that the holidays were going to be hard. And they are. I miss Isaac a lot today. Please continue to pray for us this holiday season; I know his absence will be a lot more evident and real to us during this time, and we could really use your continued prayers for comfort and peace.

This morning before work I was running on the treadmill listening to Josh Groban on my iPod. I don't know what in that sentence is more surprising... that I was running, that it was before work, or that Josh Groban was my music of choice. Anyhow, his song "Awake" came on and for the first time the lyrics really hit me. And yes, albeit discretely, I cried while running on the treadmill. The words brought me right back to the morning of October 7...

"Awake"

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today

And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

I remember so vividly not wanting to forget anything about those moments that Isaac was alive, laying right there next to me. I knew our time together was going to be short, and I just wanted to be fully present so that I could take it all in. And it truly is only time that is teaching me how to carry on without having him here... with the limp, a piece of my heart missing it is a really hard thing.

Yet in the midst of it, I am still so incredibly thankful.... thankful for Isaac, for those moments we were able to share in those 9 months and 16 minutes...