Friday, October 31, 2008

This Time Last Year

On October 31, 2007, I remember sitting out on our front steps as the trick-or-treaters came around. There are too many kids in our neighborhood to go inside and wait for the doorbell to ring... it's just a steady stream of little (and not so little) people. I remember thinking how "this time next year we'll be trick or treating with a 5 1/2 month old... how fun!" I remember talking to our neighbors about when it was the right time to order nursery furniture, and being blissfully unaware that anything could go wrong in pregnancy once you actually got pregnant... that always happened to "other people." I was young, healthy, and doing all the right things.

Little did I know that two days later on November 2, 2007 I would be called back for an ultrasound that would reveal that our little one no longer had a heartbeat. I would be one of those "other people."

Little did I know that November 2, 2008 would be Isaac's due date. When I first found this out, I thought "God is so funny... it can't be a coincidence that He has Isaac's due date as Novemeber 2. Clearly, He wants to redeem that day and turn it from something heart-wrenching into something glorious. I need to start feeling at peace with this pregnancy."

Little did I know that this time of year would be more heart-wrenching than I could have ever imagined was actually possible.

Little did I know that I would be sitting here today, feeling as though twice over I should have a child here with me... and yet instead, I am joined by the emptiness, heartache, and grief that are all-too familiar to a parent who has suffered the loss of their child. I would take spit up and dirty diapers any day.

Needless to say, we're not "doing" Halloween this year; I am truly hoping that our house doesn't get egged and that the pumkin sitting on our front porch doesn't get smashed. I just don't have it in me to see all of the cute little kids dressed up with their Mommies and Daddies, when my heart is longing to just be able to hold Isaac again.

I have a feeling this next week is going to be really hard. Isaac's original due date is on Sunday; and because he was delivered a few weeks early, next Friday we would have been celebrating his first month with us. I've been told that holidays, anniversaries, special dates, etc. can be difficult, and I know this is only a small dose of what is to come. Please pray for us... that God would just meet us and give us just enough grace for each moment; that He would keep our memories of Isaac fresh, because truthfully, I am sometimes afraid of forgetting; that He would continue to surround us with caring friends and family who are willing to listen, to talk about Isaac, and to just "be" with us in the midst of our heartache; and like I have asked before, that God would start to restore our hope and our joy despite the painful reminders all around us of what we hoped would be, but isn't.

73 comments:

Joy said...

I can only imagine your pain, but I WILL be praying for you.

Joy
Atlanta, GA

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

Oh Stacy...you know how much I love you and Spencer, and I don't want to be part of your pain this weekend. I'd suggest staying away from our blog for a few days. I'll email you if there is a mom update. Hugs, my friend. Praying without ceasing for you.

Anonymous said...

Stacy, before I leave to run errands today I was compelled to check your blog for an update. I wanted to let you know there are people thinking about your family and strangers asking God to let us be fortunate enough to carry some of your heartbreak and sorrow. I can only imagine how difficult today and every holiday/anniversay is since i haven't walked in your path. Sending much love and prayers your way today and for many many days to come.

Anonymous said...

My heart and prayers go out to you and Spencer.

Stay strong in your faith.

Laura
Rocky Face, GA

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

Stacy,
Halloween was hard for me too the first year without my son. We didn't partake in any festivities either and luckily nobody egged our house or smashed our pumpkins. I'll be thinking of you today and always as you miss your sweet Isaac.

Anonymous said...

Stacy,
You are an amazing writer. You have such a neat ability to put your feelings into words. I know sadly those feelings right now are heartbreaking. I know God will bring you peace in the days to come. I am praying that God shows you his love in a special way this week.
Nicole

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Thinking of you.

Lindsey said...

Stacy, you and your family have been in my prayers since I found your website. You are an amazingly strong woman. I just wanted to share something with you that I found out after losing my daughter at 29 weeks. I was so worried about those special dates. But I learned that the days leading up the the special day were the hardest. It seems the anticipate in the worst part. I hope you find easier days ahead. Lots of thoughts and prayers for your family.

Baseballs and Tutu's said...

How I wish I could take some of your pain! I will be praying for you today and each day that follows. However I have to add that you shouldn't worry....you will NEVER forget Isaac and every little detail about him. I know that I will always remember him and your story...it has forever made a difference in my life! Praying for peace and comfort so that you may somehow find a way to get through each day that follows until you see your precious little boy again.

mandie said...

Stacy, I'm praying for comfort for you and Spencer today. Many hugs and lots of love to you.

Charity said...

I'm lifting you up in prayer to our Heavenly Father that meets us in our grief. He, too, gave up His Son - He knows your pain.

The Balsmeyer Family said...

I can't even pretend to know the pain that you are experiencing. All I can do is continue to pray for you & that is what I will do. God's peace.

Kristin said...

My husband and I pray for yall every night. I'm so sorry about your losses. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you.

Cynthia

Laura said...

It's hard to reach across the internet and give you a hug. My heart aches for you and your husband. Our Lord is faithful, and He WILL carry you...

Jeff & Leza said...

Stacy your loss is unbearable sometimes, your memories are limited and your tears are completely understood. I will pray for you and your family as you try to continue life without your beautiful Isaac. You are an inspiration to many women struggling with similar situations. Your unending Faith and trust in the Lord touches so many women and families. Litte Isaac deserved to be with you, he deserved to experience life and he was so perfect that God needed him to be with him in Heaven. Because Isaac's life had weight and touched so many lives your memories will never fade. His life had more impact on many of our lives than some of us who are here for 50 years. Your wonderful 16 minutes with Isaac will never leave your life and in the following years as you sit and watch other children, students, and family members too little to remember Isaac you will be comforted your memories. I pray for you every single day and when Im too busy to pray in the evening or too tired I always take a moment to read about how your day was and how you are doing always hoping that somewhere along the way you smiled today while thinking or looking at your beautiful Isaac. Smile Stacy because your wonderful baby is watching over you and just waiting for you to hold him again. He loves you and he will always be in your heart.

Brittany said...

Though you may not know me, I am praying for you! I have never lost a child like you did with Isaac, but I did have a miscarriage once. And the funny thing with my pregnancy after that...I had the same due date as the day I lost the first baby. I know it is hard.

I know your heart is breaking...and mine is breaking for you. Our God is a loving God, hold on to Him during this time of need. Nahum 1:7 is one of my favorite verses, and when I am struggling I like to just read that verse over and over again. I will pray that God will send such a peace over you, that you will feel Him holding through these hard times...because I know His heart is breaking for you, one of His children, as well!

Kate said...

Stacy- I just wanted to tell you that I always check your blog every morning as soon as I get to work. I read your post this morning and it broke my heart. It made my heart ache and I shut my eyes here in my cubicle and prayed for you. I can not imagine your pain right now. I hope that God will grace you with a little bit of peace today. Thank you for sharing your story everytime I read about you and Spencer it reminds me of my faith in God. May God bless you today and always, Katie

Carla said...

Stacy,
I am so sorry for your pain. I know that I am a stranger but girl if I lived near you I would give you a hug. I am so sad for you but I know God is with you and he will see you thru this.

I will still be praying for you and Spencer.

God bless you all

erin w. said...

i am praying for you & spencer in this upcoming holiday season. i pray that you will find joy in the midst of all this pain!

Julie said...

Keeping you and Spencer close in continued prayer.

I know the fear of forgetting. While you won't ever forget...nor do we want to forget...parts of this time will fade. I know for me in these early days and weeks after my loss that the writing helped. I remember feeling panic that I would forget what it was like to deliver them, to hold them, to say good bye - all the little pieces. Once I wrote out every detail of their birth story, of my pregnancy and the days after, I felt better. You are a very gifted writer, and I know you have done much of this. That helps...

Please don't worry about every forgetting...even as things seem to fade in your mind. Isaac is forever a part of you - of your heart, your soul, your mind. You won't forget....

Prayers from a fellow angel mommy!

Angie said...

My heart truly aches for you today. It is so not fair and I am praying for you so hard. I can only imagine that the pain is so hard do deal with. Please just don't forget God is here for you and has a plan for you and right now it is so hard to find. God Bless you.
Angie
Adrian MN

Katie said...

My heart goes out to you.
Thinking of you and praying for you today.

Mandy said...

I am praying that God will give you an evening of quiet & peace.

Anonymous said...

Though we have never met, I think about you and your family often. I want you to know that as much as you and Spencer will never forget Isaac--neither will so many of us who have followed your story. I will always think about your strength and courage and how you got such a sweet taste of the kind of love that only a mother can understand. Isaac will never be forgotten.

Tessa said...

I am deeply saddened for you. And though I know that stating that will not even ease your pain, I feel compelled to let you know. I myself have never lost a child or even experienced a miscarriage. And most would think that I cannot relate, but honestly I can. In 2006 I found out that I was expecting my 4th kiddo and that a very close friend of the family was expecting her 2nd. Both of our 1st's were born the same year and we celebrated knowing that we were expecting together again. We both see the same doctor and we joked with her about inducing the both of us on the same day so that our families could have a Tailgating Party in the waiting room!
My friend was due about 4 weeks before me. So much to my husband's, my doctor's and my own surprise I delivered 4 weeks early (I now am fully aware that God knew what he was doing). My friend, because of God's amazing plan, delivered 48 hours later. Her room was two doors down from mine. We got group pictures with our families and babies prior to leaving the hospital. It was with the greatest joy that we bid farewell, and agreed that I would go over to her house after she got home.
2 short weeks later my husband and I got a call that I won't soon forget. His sister was calling to let us know that Talen has passed away from SIDS.
A multitude of feelings and emotions marathoned through my mind and spirit. In the days that followed I would wake up and hurt for my friend. I would cry and pray and sob and hurt. I wanted nothing more that to be able to restore her son to her empty arms. I FELT her emptiness!
We have talked to great lengths about Talen and her time with him. And she told me that she thought that I was very intuitive.
She explained that in the days that followed Talen's passing she didn't cry much. She was in shock and numb to all that was happening. She told me that during that time she believes that I was carrying her cross because I was grieving for her. I didn't know how to respond and I still cry thinking about that.
So, dear Stacy, I say this to you ~ over this weekend and the next few days let God assign someone else your cross. Take a moment for yourself to PAUSE and reflect on the blessings in your life. Be reminded that God has GREAT and MARVELOUS Plans for you and Spencer! Don't let satan "whiff" your little light out. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine! Let your brightest light shine for Isaac Timothy Delisle. and know that he will NEVER BE FORGOTTEN.

Melissa H. said...

Stacy, your strength and brutal honesty is absolutely incredible. Wishing you fortitude to get through these next couple of days, especially.

Devon Rene said...

you know i am praying for you...

i can almost predict the hard days...whenever the first week of the month comes around, its as if my heart just knows.

dont feel bad about not doing halloween. be gentle with yourself. do what you can, when you can. the rest will figure itself out.

my heart hurts for you so much my dear friend. this is a road that nobody ever wants and yet here we find ourself. holding you close, praying for you...

wishing we lived closer together...

~d

Kristin said...

Stacy
I will be praying for you today. Maybe you and your husband should "escape" to a local hotel where you can be free of the sights oand sounds of the kids running around. Spend some time just the two of you remembering and loving Isaac and strengthening your marriage.
May God bless you in a very special way today and the coming week!
Hugs from South Dakota
Kristin

Anonymous said...

Stacy,

I'm constantly thinking of and praying for you and your family. Your beautiful Isaac and his story have touched me deeply. Thank you for your willingness to share.

Jennifer
Fort Worth, TX

WendyCarole said...

Thinking of you today and always

Lynette said...

Thinking of you and praying over you as you make your way through these difficult days. Your sweet memories of Isaac will always be yours to treasure - I believe God will keep them as beautiful and perfect as the day they were made.
Much love,
lynette

grandmaof6 said...

We lost grandchildren this year so I understand how you feel about the coming week. I will continue to pray for you and Spencer to give you the strength for this journey.

Teresa said...

You are not alone. I pray that you and Spencer find some peace.

boltefamily said...

Loving you, understanding, and sending prayers your way!

Anonymous said...

Stacy,

I am traveling in this grief process with you. I know what you are going through today - I feel the same pain. I had so many plans for my son and while I was pregnant I often thought about how much fun this Halloween was going to be. Now today, I am forced to think about the should of’s. I should be dressing my son up today, I should be having fun at the party but instead I think about my life and plans and how quickly they have all changed - instead I will be sitting home with the house light off and trying to keep my mind distracted. I will say a special prayer for us today and as always will continue to keep you in daily prayer.

Darla from NJ

Open your Eyes. said...

Your right in everything you posted there. I know Isaac is watching over you celebrating Halloween =].

I will be praying for you on Sunday sweety and on his one month birthday!

xxx.

rebecca said...

You and your husband are in my prayers. May God give you strength and peace.
Many hugs to you both!

minnow in morocco said...

oh how i am sorrowing with you, on a gloomy windy day across the ocean, where the sky is crying in a fury. and me too...

may jesus continue to be with you in your loss.

Anonymous said...

perhaps there is some tiny piece of solace in the idea that November 2 is All Souls Day - a day that people all around the world are praying for and remembering their loved ones who have passed.
I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

Aunt Robin said...

You certainly remain in my prayers and i hope that your joy will return even if little by little!
Love Aunt Robin

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine the heartache you are feeling right now. I will pray for you.

Connie Davis

Anonymous said...

I am continuing to pray for you in Lima, OH. God bless you and Spencer.

Mommy2QTPies said...

Sending you lots of hugs on this difficult day. I can't imagine what you are going through, but please know I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

Raeanne in Indiana

Anonymous said...

Isaac will never be forgotten, not by me, not by those who read your blog, and not in a million years by you. There is so much love for that little boy it amazes me.

Huddle Girls said...

Stacy,

I am praying for you. My heart is heavy today as well because it should be Gavin's first Halloween and he should be dressed in a costume that he would probably hate. Instead, he is not here with us and we still ache for him. The anniversaries and holidays will be hard, but the anticipation can be worse than the actual day I have found. Continue to be patient with yourself, the loss of Issac is still so fresh. Also, you will never forget him. As time passes, it will seem like you are getting further away from him but he will always live on in you and in Spencer. I know that the experience of losing a child has changed my husband and I forever. Although there are still many sad moments, my prayer is that one day I can help someone in a similar situation find the light at the end of the tunnel. YOU are helping others by sharing so much of yourself here. I pray that your blog is helping you along the path of healing. I will continue to lift you up in prayer.

Blessings,
Amanda

Judith said...

Praying for you both. x

Jen said...

praying and thinking about you this weekend

Dr. Erin and Mr. Heath said...

This post just broke my heart. Still praying for you two.
Erin

Maria (MKC101103) said...

You are in my daily prayers. You continue to amaze me with your strength. I hope you and Spencer can enjoy being with each other this weekend and can smile thinking of your wonderful Isaac memories. We all know you will NEVER forget an inch of those memories.

Anonymous said...

I am crying out to God for you and Spencer, many times throughout the day, by name asking God to cover you with his perfect peace. God Bless You as you move through this process. I don't think anyone will blame you for not "doing" holidays this year. Your joy will return, I am praying everyday for it, but take all the time you need moving forward.

Love from San Diego, CA

Anonymous said...

Stacy, I completely understand about skipping Halloween this year. You and Spencer are in my thoughts and thank you for sharing the pictures of beautiful Issac with everyone. I am so happy you had your moments with him. My heart is heavy for you.
Marinabride

LMP said...

I just want you to know that even though I don't know you I still think of you often and pray for you daily. I just wish there was something I could say to ease your pain.

Anonymous said...

Take care, I'm thinking of you, Spencer and Issac. I wish you could be together. Peace be with you.

Christine:) said...

Stacy, I just posted my own entry about this! My husband and I were blessed with a healthy little girl the first time around, but the second time, I had a miscarriage. It blew me away a little- even though I knew stuff like that could happen, I really didn't think it was going to happen to me.
Even though I really cannot wait to get pregnant again, I have to remind myself that it's not just about ME. It's about God creating a new little person in this world and He is going to let that happn whenever HE knows the timing is right.
Reading your story has taught me so much and I am forever grateful to you for opening up your heart like this. Thank you so much and I pray for you and your family every day.
Christine:)

Anonymous said...

Stacy,

I was reading from Charles Stanleys november 2008 Intouch, and there was a line that he wrote which really spoke to me.

He is talking about a grateful heart, You have to read the whole story but this line from it says,
When we learn to view our circumstances from Gods perspective we can ENDURE his timetable without questioning, His intimate care eternal commitment and unwavering love. These words from charles stanley, really made helped me i had been struggling with hurt from a miscarriage so i will continue to pray that you find comfort in him. and peace.

jessica

Jen said...

Praying you through this pain, and out the other side into joy and peace.

His grace is enough, and you will find the smile in your heart again.

Hugs,
Jen

Jill said...

Stacy,

I'm lifting you all in prayer and asking God to shine His sustaining grace upon you in an abundance. Praying for peace and joy to fill you both back up - that the loss will be replaced by the gain of His great love for you during this time. That the loss will be filled with the knowledge of Isaac and you will be together again and that now God is asking you to remain in His grace a little while longer - for your gain, His glory and His love to remain.

Psalm 121:1-8
1I will lift up my eyes to the hills— From whence comes my help?

2 My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber.

4 Behold, He who keeps Israel Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade at your right hand.

6 The sun shall not strike you by day, Nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul.

8 The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore.

I am praying for your comfort in laying down every feeling, emotion and pain that is burdening your heart tonight. I am praying that you remember His promise - Jesus says, My yoke is light and My burden is easy. I will carry all of your cares, fear, worries - bring them to Me.

Many hugs and blessings - Jill

Alissa said...

You and your family are in our prayers.

Abbie said...

I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Prayers continue to be lifted up in honor of you & your family from the suburbs of Chicago.

Our Life in Pixels said...

I must share this with you. The other day I was reading in Job 6 (talk about a day to forget for him) and I was reading in verse 1, "Oh that my grief were thouroughly weighed, and my calamiy laid in the balances together! For now it would be heavier than the sand of the sea:..." As I read it, I stopped and prayed for you guys as you deal with this trial. I think of Job and all that happened in his life and all that he lost and just like you, he never denied God through it all, but grew stronger in his relationship with Him. Your testimony of your faith in God speaks way beyond all the tears. I think of you often and visit the blog just to see how God has answered prayers for you already. Just getting through each day is a answered prayer.

Jodi said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy. Your blog is an evident outpouring of your love for him.

My husband and I lost a baby boy in June at 16 weeks gestation. He would have been born the end of November.

jablott said...

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 2:22-23

I pray that the night wasn't too long and that His compassions and mercies are new this morning. Praying for Him to be your all in all today and will continue to plead on your behalf for God to restore your hope and joy as you face this unbearable loss. I am so sorry.....

Jaci said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I Will pray for you to have peace on Sunday.

Anonymous said...

Stacy and Spencer,
I continuously think of you both and continue to pray for you daily. I cannot imagine how deep and heavy your grief is and I pray for some form of peace and solace.

You are so amazingly strong (even though I am sure there are moments where you don't feel that way).
You are a beautiful couple and you have touched so many people's lives forever.

Please take care.

Sarah said...

Stacy-
Your feelings are close to my heart. I too know how it feels to be one of those "other people." My husband and I concieved our first child, Macy, around the same time that you and Spencer concieved Isaac. We lost Macy at 10 weeks and I remember feeling so blindsided...No! This couldn't possibly happen to me. I am young, I am healthy, and I want a child more than anything in the world. Since then, I have felt anger towards God for taking my baby from me.

When I started reading your blog, my heart was once again opened to the love of Christ. Your faith and your courage have been an example for me. After Isaac was born, I prayed for the first time in months...I prayed for you and Spencer.

Isaac is a blessing to all of us. I am comforted knowing that he is in heaven with my Macy.

Angela said...

Hugs and prayers for your broken heart.

Anonymous said...

Stacy...I do not know you personally. I want you to know my heart is overwhelmed with emotion as I sit here and read about your story. Jesus is holding you up in the palm of His mighty hand sweetheart! He is your strength in time of need. His grace is sufficent for you... I have a bible study praying for healing of your heart...a renewing of your mind...complete restoration! "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE." Stay strong in the Lord and in the POWER of His might. With much intercession..

Caleb's Mom said...

Hey Stacy, I found this video on another blog. It is featuring an abortion survivor, and one part about making the "choice" to abort a baby who may have special needs totally made me think of your situation with Isaac. Remember that you DID the right thing and that even though Isaac isn't with you (which is pain I can only imagine), it is because God called him home....not because you didn't want to face the problems. I hope you find some comfort in the video! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPF1FhCMPuQ

Anonymous said...

We continue to uphold you in prayer - though we are strangers we are sisters in the Lord and we pray He will surround you with His peace. May He meet your need moment by moment.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you! sending you my prayers
Em
From Australia

Ang said...

Stacy,
I know we have never met, I found your blog thru another. My heart aches for you. I can't imagine the pain you are going thru. I thought my own loss at 13 weeks gestation was devestating and it was. My father passed away within 3 weeks of my miscarriage. We aleady had a name picked out 'William Ray' after both of our fathers. Little did I know God would bless me a short year later with a beautiful baby girl we named Chloe. She didn't take the place of the precious blessing that God allowed me to carry but reaffirmed my faith that He is in control. I will be praying for you!! hugs :)