Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Aftermath

It would be dishonest to describe this week in any other way than just plain difficult. It feels as though things have started to settle down a little and have started to return to "normal" in some ways, and that has been a really difficult thing for me.

Now that Isaac's memorial service is over, there really isn't a place for me to focus my energy as much, and that has been hard... mostly because I am not ready to be finished being Isaac's mom. I know that in reality I will never stop being his mom... that I always will be. But the truth is, it's difficult not to have practical ways in which I can love and care for my son. It feels so wrong to be picking leaves out of the flower arrangement by his grave when I want to be tucking him in for his nap; to be reading cards of condolences (which we do appreciate) instead of cards of congratulations; and to be lying awake at night deafened by the silence of our house instead of being awakened by a baby's cries. It just all feels so... wrong.

I know that God doesn't make mistakes... that Isaac's life was exactly as God had ordained it; I also know, as a friend pointed out, that Isaac isn't missing anything... he is in Heaven and is perfect and healthy and whole; it's us who are doing the missing. And so I know I can take comfort in the fact that he is safe and is in the most perfect place; but the fact that Isaac isn't here with us still leaves my heart broken and my arms feeling so empty... because I am missing someone: my son.

We would appreciate you continued prayers for comfort and peace; for hearts to simply trust in what God is doing rather than wondering why; and for God to begin to restore our joy and our hope.

49 comments:

Jessica said...

You guys will continue to be in my prayers. I can't imagine your grief. I hope that you are able to help others by what you have gone through. I know there has to be a reason for this path in your life....For you to teach, for Isaac to touch so many.....I know that doesn't make this easier on your heart though.

You ARE a wonderful woman and mother. I'm still inspired by your strength.

Hang in there. He will show you the way:)

TONS of prayers coming your way, Jessica

Foreverloves said...

The "why" is the worst possible question, and one I have not banished from my heart, even seven months later.

The "good" thing is, you will find ways to be his Mom, as much as you can. I got very involved in infant loss support groups, I worked tirelessly on a Youtube memorial, I blogged, I go to the cemetery at least once a week and take care of the plot, I got a picture drawn of them and a candle carved of them...they are not the ways I wanted to be Jacob and Zachary's Mommy, but it is the way I can be that. You will find the ways too.

Till then, I wish you great peace.

AngelsAmid said...

Stacy- I'm still praying for you and Spencer during this time. (huge hugs)

Jen said...

Oh Stacy, I know exactly what you mean...the world moves on, but you do not.

I spent a lot of time on the couch watching mindless TV. I found it was easier to get into that then my own reality.

Be kind to yourself. Grief is overwhelming and it takes a long time to get a little hope back.

Thinking of you.

Nicole said...

Stacy,
You don't know me, but your blog was suggested to me by a reader of mine. Though I do not know what it is like to be where you are right now, I will very soon. I'm 29 wks with our little boy. He too, has been given "an incompatible with life" diagnosis.
I just wanted you to know how beautiful and handsome I think your son is. And I will be praying for you and your family during this very difficult time.

Nicole

Anonymous said...

Still praying for you.

Stephanie said...

I think of your family and pray for you always. I can't imagine how hard it is to see the world moving on around you as if nothing has changed when your heart is forever changed by your beautiful son.

sandi said...

I have been sick all day not being able to make your comments work. I thought, you are going to think all your blog friends have up and left you. It seems like the weeks after the funeral are always the worst, Life continues and you are "expected" to as well. There couldn't have been a worse time for your comments section on the site to malfunction.

I just wanted you to know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

Larkinsmom said...

I learned from a wonderful counselor that grief moves through us. We don't move through it. Our relationship to it changes but it's always with us. I pray for you daily and think of you often through the our day. Know that you are held in prayer sweet girl.

Nicole said...

Stacy -

I'm praying for the 3 of you and I think of you often.. You will always be Issac's mommy! He is SO lucky to have you & Spencer as his parents! Always remember that...

Thinking of you,
Nicole

Maria (MKC101103) said...

You and your family continue to be in my prayers.

Stephanie said...

I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you alot these past several days. I lost a son on April 25th, 2008 to Trisomy 13. We had almost 5 hours with him before he left for heaven. I know how you feel when you say things just seem "wrong". I still feel that way almost 6 months later. I want my baby back! Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

I think of you every day even though I do not know you. I have been so touched by your journey that I am compelled to check your blog daily to see how you are doing. Even though I do not truly understand the overwhelming grief of your loss I cry with you for, like you, I am a mother and I sympathize. I also smile when I look at the beautiful pictures of your son. What a perfect little angel. May you find some comfort in the love of your family and friends. I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Prayers are being sent your way.
May you be granted by the Lord peace and strength.
Em
Australia

Anonymous said...

Still praying for you in Lima, OH. I continue to be inspired by your strength and courage.

David said...

Your son, story, and the past 6 months has meant more to my spirtual walk than anything from the previous 21 years. Please feel blessed to be a blessing.

Danielle said...

Stacey,
Hang in there. You have every right to ask why. It is all a healthy part of the grieving process. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Dear Stacy, I sent you a quick email this morning because I could not reply in the blog--some computer glitch I guess.

Since I wrote a tome there--I'll keep this short--We are here, and we are praying for you. A lot of things that are in your "new normal" are going to be hard on your heart. In time, with prayers, God's help, family and friends, I pray some of the emptiness and hurdles are lifted from you.

Love and prayers to you and your family in these tough times, Jill and Andy

Stephanie Christine said...

Stacey,
It's really hard when it seems that the world is moving on and going back to "noraml" when you just cannot. And don't feel you need to "move on", not until your ready. You will always be Isaac's mom, and an amazing mom at that. I am so sorry that your not able to care for him now, as you have for the last 9 months. And also do the things that you would if he was here with you. I hope you can continue to find things to help you through this difficult time. Your strenghth amazes me, and I continue to pray for you and Spencer.

KK said...

Please know you are in my continued thoughts and prayers.
Praying for continued healing, peace of mind, comfort and for you to feel HIS everlasting love.
Psalm 46:10
Kaye

cadence1228 said...

My heart aches for you, I pray for you always - Melissa

Baseballs and Tutu's said...

I will continue to pray for you and Spencer. I am so inspired by you and your husband. You will ALWAYS be Isaac's mommy..I know that doesn't make things any easier but just know that Isaac knows how very much you love him and he will always be with you!!!

Of that I am sure!

Zoey's Mom said...

I'm still thinking and praying for you. For what it's worth, I have found myself being even more grateful for my sweet little girl. I try not to take anything for granted with her. I have a little cross w/ her name on it hanging over her crib and when I look at it , I think of your sweet Isaac.

Jaci said...

I still pray for you and your husband daily. I hope you guys are doing fine. Isaac has touched my life and I know he has touched others. You are a woman I admire for your strength and how much love you have shown for your sweet baby.

So Blessed said...

I am "praying for comfort and peace; for hearts to simply trust in what God is doing rather than wondering why; and for God to begin to restore our joy and our hope".

May He help you to TRUST, because that is the beginning place of your healing.

Nestie Becoming_untied said...

Still thinking of and praying for you all.

Nichelle said...

I know that you are not able to be Isaac's Mommy in the way that you hoped or planned to be...but you are still a great mom. I am sure that you think about him almost every moment...that is just one way of how loving you are, he knows that!
I pray for you and your family daily...as you go on this "road", please know that you are not alone...though you never would have wanted to be part of the "club" of families that have lost a child, you are surrounded by people who care and feel the pain you feel. I hope you feel the love that is directed your way. If you ever need an ear to listen please feel free to contact me. Praying for you.
Nichelle
http://bringittohim.blogspot.com/

Lauren said...

You guys are definitely in my prayers. Your story has touched my heart like no other.

May the Lord bring you peace and comfort during this time. May he feel your arms with his love while he holds Isaac until you meet again.

Lynette said...

"Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy."

Psalm 126:5

Praying for your comfort and peace. God will restore your joy and hope again- you have sown and continue to sow the seeds of His word in my heart and those around you as you make your way through this valley. He chose two very special parents for Isaac and he will fulfill his promise to you.
Thinking of you.

The Balsmeyer Family said...

I will continue to pray for you. As a woman, wife & mother, my heart continues to ache for you. May you continue to feel God's love & peace.

The Perry Family said...

I have been praying for you and all the other moms that have to go through what we have gone through. You question why, but at the end of the day you know it is part of God's plan and that everything happenes for a reason. I had those same feelings. The worst part was not being woken up to my baby's cry. I would wake up every morning and think that maybe it was all a dream and that I would still be pregnant or I would wake up to my little Kooper. I just lost my son in July and I still have those days, but my relationship with God has grown emensely.

Like your blog title says, "He WILL carry me"

You and your family are in my prayers.

Kami

Heather said...

Stacy . Many prayers are being sent heaven ward . May this comfort you. Sending cyber ((((hugs))) to you. May God continue to be there for you to comfort and strengthen you.

Carrie said...

Praying for strength.

Anonymous said...

I have been so touched by your beautiful faith and courage throughout your pregnancy journey.

I bet Isaac is up in heaven telling everyone that he's got the best mom and dad ever ('cause they are the best, and 'cause they sent him straight to the Great Physician for healing - even though it would make them sad to be without him)!!

God bless you both!

Laura (North Georgia)

Aspiemom said...

I'm still praying for you guys.

Kim Harms said...

I continue to pray for your broken heart and little Isaac... I admire you as a mother more than you know! You are so strong and increible!

Anonymous said...

So very many prayers for you guys. You are such an amazing testament to strength and faith. Hang in there!

pollykinz said...

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you guys and send you prayers for strength, comfort and peace.

Amanda said...

You are still in my prayers...I never seem to stop thinking about your family and Isaac. You all hold a very special place in my heart!

Love and prayers
Amanda

Beckycain6 said...

I'm praying for you. I know how difficult this is for you. There are no words to describe how your arms feel. How your heart feels. Just......no words.

May God be with you and grant you His peace.

Praying for you,
Becky

Jill said...

Stacy,

Sometimes God opens the windows of heaven through the lives of others we don't even know - this is one of those times.

Your story like the Smith's, like so many others who are willing to bear it all for Christ is leaving a legacy beyond anything you could have dreamt possible on your own. God will take all the pain you are feeling and carrying and day by day make it light. God will make it right - because to Him there are no mistakes only opportunities for His glory and grace to be poured out!

1 Cor. 6:20 - our body and spirit are God's. The price He paid for us is more than enough and it will carry you through this trial and the tears are good - let them fall. I pray this journey draws you and Spencer closer together as a couple with the tightest chord being the Lords. He will NOT let you go and His love for you is never ending. He knows your pain! He knows your name! He knows Isaac and is holding him right now safe, whole and loved!

Trust not in your own understanding - allow Him to direct your path and in all of your ways acknowledge the LORD! He will guide you to everlasting - through the pain and out of the ashes beauty will grow.

One day at a time - moment by moment surrender it all to Him!

I'm so blessed to have found your blog and given the opportunity to pray for you and your precious family!

Hugs and His love!
Jill

Stephanie said...

beautifully written. I am praying.
You are right that it is wrong.
But not forever thanks to Jesus' death on the cross to redeem it all.
I am so sorry. I know that it will only be the power of the Holy Spirit to lead you through such darkness and keep giving you an eternal perspective.
I am so sorry.

Laura said...

moth⋅er
something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.

I have been trying to think of a million and one things I could say to give your heart comfort and yet I know that while words, hugs and flowers convey connection and willingness, it doesn't begin to dampen the pain in ones heart after the loss of such a loved child.

After the loss of my daughter Kaylie in 1997 I held very closely to my faith and belief in God, and it comforted me through many trials. And it always will. I reflected on that time tonight and tried to remember what it was that I needed at that time from those around me, in times that I found it difficult to reason with all the insanity of grief. And I remembered that at that time it was imperative that felt like Kaylie's mother, and that her absence did not take that away. While I never had the opportunity to wake for middle of the night feedings, go through teething and first steps, I am still mothering her, even today. I care for her and protect her name. I make sure that she is not forgotten and that her memory stays alive not only in me, but in our family's life. While at times I am frustrating at the limits of this, it's the most I can give and I am her mother.

You are in my prayers and Issac will always be with us.

~Kelli said...

I wish I could say something to make all the pain go away.

You continue to have my prayers and well wishes.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but I have continued to follow your blog for a while now, and have only posted a few times. Your posts always bring me to tears. I can't imagine the feelings that you are going through right now. You will always and forever be Isaac's mommy. Your faith through all of this completely amazes and inspires me.

KrazyMom said...

Your son has touched so many lives in such a short time.

My heart aches for your loss. We will continue to hold you up in prayer!

((hugs))

in.luv.with.m said...

Hi Stacy, we don't know each other, but I have followed your story for about a month now. I cried when I first learned about your sweet little Issac, and my heart ached for you and your husband the day that Issac was born. I don't think that it's a coincidence that I came upon your blog. I have been praying for you ever since, and there have been several times that I have felt the urge to stop and pray for you. I pray that God fills your aching hearts with peace. There are so many things that we don't understand here on earth...one day we will know! But through it all, God is in control.

You will be in my prayers, and I will continue to pray specifically for Peace, Joy, and that God will wipe away your tears.

mbnone said...

I just found your blog. I want to tell you that I grieve deeply for you. Mother to mother -- I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Isaac. I am not religious, but I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and in my heart. What a loved little boy he was.

Marisha said...

What faith you have-it is awe-inspriring. My heart aches for you, and you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. May God continue to bless you and comfort you in these difficult times. Isaac's life had purpose, and it is seen throughout all of the comments to your posts. What a legacy that is.