Saturday, October 25, 2008

Hero

I remember when I was growing up playing with my She-Ra dolls while our neighbor played with his He-Man figures. It seemed like the idea of playing make-believe with superhero dolls was a good idea. Then there's the ever-famous "get-to-know-your" question of, If you could have one superpower, what would it be? I never knew how to answer that question.

While I was in the hospital after delivering Isaac, one of the doctors who delivered him came to visit. He sat down and talked with Spencer and I for a while and said something I won't soon forget: You two are my heros. Yesterday I had my two-week post-op visit with the other doctor who delivered Isaac. She looked at me and said that same thing: You are my hero.

I appreciate so much the fact that the doctors who delivered Isaac value life, and see our decision as one that is worth admiration... not because it was our decision, because in our minds, there was never really a choice; but, they acknowledge that Isaac was a person, one who had value and was worth being giving an opportunity at life. I have a hard time, though, with being dubbed a hero.

You see, often times, being a hero requires great sacrifice; and to be honest, I never wanted to give Isaac up. I still don't. I would still much rather be his mom and have him here with me than be a hero, and I often wonder why this story couldn't have ended differently with Isaac being healed and still being here with us. It's not that I don't trust what God is doing with all of this, because I do. I won't pretend to understand it, but I trust in His soverignty and the fact that He knows best. I know that our circumstances don't dictate His character, and that somehow, this is all for our good and His greater glory. And in my head, that is all straightened out... it makes sense.

But my heart... oh, how my heart has such a long way to go. My heart just hearts. I just long to have my son here, to be able to hold him, rock him to sleep, sing to him, snuggle with him and kiss him, and to tell him again just how much I love him and how proud I am of him. I know that is not what God has ordained for us or our sweet Isaac, but my heart still wishes it was.

I am not sure how familiar you are with the lyrics to the song that I have playing as you first come to this blog. The song, Homesick, by MercyMe, was one with which I never really felt any strong personal connection... until now.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you againTo see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Would you please continue to pray for our homesick hearts, that God would just continue to bring us comfort and peace, that He still would continue to restore our joy and our hope, and that He would just be near to us as we continue to navigate this really uncharted territory.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am just so sorry. I hurt for you and I don't even know you.

I have bipolar disorder along with some other issues that make me very sensitive to noise and repetition. because of this I haven't been able to tolerate music of any kind for 6 years.

In the last month or so I have started being able to listen to music and even enjoy it.

Music is kind of weird after so many years. I am hearing songs as new that are actually old.

Homesick is one song I do remember (obviously I can't cut all music totally out). In the last 2 weeks I've heard it at least 10 times and prayed for you each time. (And that ten times is amazing since I'm not seeking music, just tolerating it).

I'll continue this....

Angela said...

Stacy,
I have no doubt that God is truly honored by you and your response to this horrible tragedy. I know that you would rather not be a hero, and you would much more prefer to be Isaac's mommy here on earth. But, sadly, that is not what God has destined, and though it pains you to have to go through this terribly dark time, your faith in God and His perfect plan has inspired so many. Thank *you* for choosing to follow Him. You continue to be in my prayers and I think of you, Spencer, and Isaac a lot.

Stephanie said...

That is a beautiful song and I can see how it just sings right to your homesick hearts. I will continue to pray for you. I think of you, Spencer, and Isaac all the time and pray that God will help you to know that he is right there with you while your hearts are aching and hurting so much.

Anonymous said...

Stacy,
I have come to your blog all the time since i found it in April, Everytime I have come to read it i left searching for Christ.You are a Hero I have shared your story with many people and they all have said wow she has courage. I have questioned God many times since my miscarriage I want to know "why" I know my faiths says just believe but its hard. You and your husband are truly Heros you have done something that others cant and you did it with such grace. I dont know what i can say to make you feel better cause i cant you miss your boy. But i want to really thank you ANd i will contiue to pray for Gods peace in this time.
jessica

Michelle said...

The Lord is your strength. Take one day at a time and He'll give you what you need for that moment in time. He is sufficient. I know you believe that even in the midst of heartache. Love.

KK said...

Praying for you without ceasing and very hopeful you come to realize you are a "Hero".
You gave Isaac 'life' and he is probably singing, "Did you ever know you're my hero".
Cling to HIM for peace of mind and strength for each moment.
Blessings today and always,
Kaye
Psalm 46:10

Julie Davids said...

I stumbled across your blog about a week ago. I think you have amazing courage, strength, and faith.

I had a miscarriage 2 years ago. Even though I believed that God had his reasons, it didn't make the hurt any less. And honestly, nothing anyone said made me feel better, but I knew that I wasn't alone.

You are in my prayers.

Brenna's Mom said...

Stacy, I don't think I've commented here before, but this post struck a cord with me. I have often wondered why my baby had to die. I didn't doubt that God knew what he was doing, but I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing. I just could not figure it out. I have been a good person. I'm a good mom. Why take this one thing I wanted so desperately? It's been seven months and I'm still not sure I totally understand. But with time I have accepted the fact that one day it will all make sense. I trust in Him that He knows what is best for me. ((((HUGS))))
~Holli~

http://lifewithoutbrenna.blogspot.com

Beth said...

Oh how I wish there was a way to just take your pain away! I cannot imagine how you must miss him. When you don't feel the courage or strength to keep going, remember that God is offering you HIS strength and courage. You don't have to be "enough" because He is. I pray that God will grant you his sufficient grace for each moment and each day.

Jen said...

Sweetheart, being a hero requires that you do something you would rather not do, but must, because it is right. One of my favourite quotes about bravery is from Ambrose Redmoon... "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." To you, and all of us, Isaac's life was more important.

You are a hero in every sence of the word, Dearest.

Mommy2QTpies said...

I love reading your blog! You are such an inspiration! sending lots of ((hugs)) your way! :)

Kristi said...

I am truly sorry for you and your husbands great loss. I admire your strength and courage, you did a wonderful thing, not sure I would have been able to do the same. My heart and prayers are with you at this difficult time, your faith in God is inspiring. Your son is a beautiful angel! God bless you and your family

grandmaof6 said...

Continuing to pray for you and your family. I can't tell you how much your heroism has affected me. You chose to do the right thing instead of the "easy" one and I admire you so much.

Christine:) said...

Stacy, you and Spencer continue to be in my thoughts and prayers each and every day, and most definitely will be for a very long time. Your story has touched my heart, brought tears to my eyes, and has reaffirmed just how precious family is. I pray for you both and hope that you continue to find peace and grow stronger each day.
Love,
Christine.

Kirsten said...

Oh Stacy, my heart struggles with yous. I wish sweet Issac could be here in your arms too. I can relate to being Homesick - the lyrics are perfect. I've never felt so ready and Homesick for Heaven.

The legacy that Issac has left is more powerful than many people ever experience in a lifetime. Many people are watching; what a blessing that the doctors and nurses expressed the impact of Issac on their lives.

You are in my prayers daily. God is carrying you and caring for Issac in Heaven. I pray for comfort, peace and even joy until you are with him again.

Blessings,
Kirsten C.

Anonymous said...

http://thenaplespaiges.blogspot.com/

They share in your sorrow...Maybe you can find comfort in each other. they just lost thier son to the same thing. I am so sorry for your loss. You have spoken straight to my heart and encouraged me to understand the true meaning of the bible. Instead of just walking the motions. My deepest sorrow aches for you. You are the true meaning of unconditional love to a child. You will be rewarded again.

So Blessed said...

You have a precious, powerful testimony...without question, it is a deeply painful one, but you honor God with your faithfulness in trusting Him through this difficult journey of grief. I pray that He will continue to hold you up, to strengthen your heart, comfort your hurt, and make His presence known to you each moment of each day.

Anonymous said...

Stacy,
Your heroism comes from doing what was right with grace, courage and dignity. You did not want to give Isaac to God so quickly but you accepted what HE chose as your path and gave Isaac's life more meaning than many people acheive in 80 plus years. Of course your heart is hurting, and I am not surprised that you do not feel heroic, heros usually do not see themselves in that light but you are my hero! I am praying for you and Spencer every day.

pollykinz said...

You guys ARE heroes Stacy. So many people would never have had the courage to do what you did and risk such a devastating loss. You guys didn't only do that, but you loved Isaac every step of the way instead of protecting your hearts by distancing yourself from your pregnancy and your precious boy. I cannot imagine the pain and questioning you must be feeling, but I know if 2 people can make it through this, it's you and Spencer. Continued prayers your way.

Courtney said...

I am sill praying!

Anonymous said...

Oh Stacy and Spencer, you and Isaac are on my mind and in my prayers daily. I pray for your heavy and aching hearts.

Jess said...

Stacy---You and spencer are my heros!!!

Rachel said...

I had never listened to the words to the lyrics before (odd cuz I can sing parts of it) but what a beautiful song.

You are a beautiful person and while you may not think you're anything heroic, you ARE. And your super power? It's God :)

Mary said...

Stacy,
i have no doubt that you are a hero to so many people. Many people would have given up by now. But you and your husband continue to follow in God's path.

As I read your blog I remember the babies i have lost as well as other loved ones and I am filled with an overwhelming sense of grief for you.

Nobody should ever have to mourn the death of a child. Please take solice in the fact that God is holding little Isaac and rocking him to sleep at night.

I pray for you and your family every day.

Hugs and love coming from PA.
Mary

Kelly said...

still praying for you...our hearts are hurting with you...He is there, even now...carrying you through this dark valley of sorrow...

Kelly
from The Beauty of Sufficient Grace

Anonymous said...

Stacy,

You did sacrifice. You sacrificed your heart and soul into Isaac. Do you not think that God knew of the heartache you would feel to have to give up your son? Of course God knows because he himself gave up his own son. In reality of the medical world you did have a choice, but your heart knew better because it belongs to Him. Being a mother and father require sacrifices, no matter what the circumstances are. And you made one that brought many people to tears, on their knees to pray and most importantly your strength, courage and love brought so many people closer to Him. Thank you for sharing your story and I will continue to pray for your hearts to have some sort of peace.

Connie

Kelsey in Colorado said...

Still praying for your heavy heart.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

-Jeremiah 29:11

I pray that you would know know His hope today.

Anonymous said...

Most of all you are a hero to God and to Isaac. God is in heaven right now telling Isaac how much you love him and how much God loves YOU! And how proud God is of your courage(yes, even when it was hard). Thank you that you gave Isaac the most amazing life inside of you.
Nicole

Genevieve said...

Praying for you Stacy...let me remind you of how many lives you have touched and how many you will bless in the future. Your touching story and your precious son Issac will touch millions. He didn't die in vain. In fact his story is very alive, through you.

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

You have struck a chord with me tonight. I will be emailing you about this post...there is too much to say in this space. Love and prayers as always...M

Anonymous said...

Dear Stacy--My heart hurts for you too. There is something so very interesting about your blog entry.

Stacy, I honestly nearly sent you an email saying that you might start hearing that word "hero". For me, it was "saint", regarding our daughter's adoption, which went awfully wrong, right in the middle. We were advised and demanded to terminate her adoption.

In some ways, I really know where you are coming from. I was ok with being viewed as an inspiration, but I had a tough time with anything other than that. Because at the bottom of it all, my husband and I wanted a family, with children, so I had an agenda--saints are selfless--and that is not me. :)

I think you are a true inspiration, and what your family has achieved is heroic. (Plus, actually, deep down, I think you are a hero too!). But I understand what comes along with hearing those words, all the while knowing most of your heart wanted things to turn out a certain way.

At a gathering today, 2 other women who adopted during hard times and I met. One was caught down there nearly as long as I, one had no trouble. But both agreed they would never want to "meet" their child again until everything was finalized. It was really surprising to hear, and they are both lovely people. But I could not agree with them.

That time with our daughter was the hardest, most gut wrenching time, as well as the most cherished. We knew we were risking our hearts and she could be gone at any time. Had we had to say goodbye to her during that year, I don't know HOW I could have done it. Which is why I have so much respect and admiration of your ability to keep on keeping on.

Stacy, we pray for you every day, several times. We pray your hurting heart heals. I pray you keep on grieving through this and that peace will begin to eek in. You ARE an inspiration, and your relationship with Isaac, no matter what seperates you, is beautiful. With love, Jill

Foreverloves said...

But you remember how many doctors told you to abort him - how they ENCOURAGED you to abort him because he had no chance. Yet, despite the fact that you knew he would not live long, you didn't do that. You could have - most people would have. You sacrificed yourself and your feelings for your son. Maybe the healing for you would have been "easier" if you had had an abortion at 14 weeks or something and never held him. Maybe by now you would feel healed and ready to try again. (I'm not saying I agree with that, I'm just speculating)

Carrying a child who will die within minutes of his birth is the most selfless thing I have ever heard of. You gave Isaac his whole life, including all of his life inside of you, and you could have made it "easier" on yourself and done what the doctors wanted. You will hurt emotionally much more in some ways because you chose that, but it was the right choice for you.

Maybe "hero" isn't quite the word. Maybe people are in awe of you because you were and are so brave. I know - I have often said, "I don't feel brave". It doesn't matter if we feel it; often we are without knowing it. My husband always reminds me that being brave doesnt' mean you aren't afraid, it means you are afraid but you do it anyway.

When I chose to push my sons out of my body, knowing that by doing so, I would inevitably kill them, but also knowing that by doing that, I would shorten their suffering and give everyone a chance to know them alive, my brother in law told me that I was the bravest person he knew. I didn't feel brave, but maybe I was.

You certainly are.

Sarah P said...

Like so many, my heart aches for your empty arms and broken hearts. But one thing that struck me when I looked at your beautiful slideshow, was the picture of your families gathered together in prayer, united and holding hands.
Little Isaac spent his all too brief time here, surrounded by love, and you and Spencer are also surrounded by love. The grieving is painful, incredibly so, but the love, I hope it is a balm to your wounds.
To grieve means to question and be angry, just as Jesus got really angry sometimes. It's part of our humanity, and you Stacie and Spencer, have shown so many of us what it means to be a shining example of this; in the magnificent and wholly embracing love for your precious, darling baby son.
Lots of love xxx

Danielle said...

Hi I found your blog through someone elses blog and just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. God has placed a special burden on my heart for people, especially women that have to endure such things. I just wanted you to know that. I will be adding your blog to my blog list to read daily. Thank you for sharing what God is doing in your life...the real side of things and not just what people would want to read.

Lots of Love, Dani
godsprincess08.blogspot.com

Dani said...

sorry..the last comment (Danielle) is from me..I was not signed in to the right email address. lol. :)

Susan NiƱo said...

Stacy--you are indeed a hero. Wear the title with honor, joy, peace and hope. I have been reading your blog since almost the beginning, and have shared it with many friends around the country. I have been praying for you each day. I have a three year old little boy named Paul. I wish we lived in your city..because Paul is a silly boy and has much success with making people laugh and smile. But, we live in San Antonio, Texas.

I encourage you to reach out to any, and all, resouces to help you and Spencer during this most difficult time.

I struggle with discerning the voice of God and listening to his plan for me/for my family. I recently came across this verse and wanted to share it with you. From Proverbs 16:9, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps."

Still praying in South Texas.....

Kendra S-L said...

Steadfast in prayer for you...Do you know this quote by C. S. Lewis? It has provided me with comfort on so many occasions:
"If I find in myself a desire that no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Tam said...

My heart breaks for you and your husband. I have been following your blog from a week before Isaac was born. I can't read it without weeping for you. You are amazing in your walk with God. Your faith is strong and unbeatable. If you can withstand this, you can withstand anything. You will most assuredly receive the crown of life that God has promised those that love him and have stood firm through the trials of life. Praise goes to Jesus for holding you fast. Our prayers are still with you. May the peace of God that transcends our understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus!!

Jaime said...

Stacy,
I know that the 16 minutes that you had with your son weren't enough. I know this because the 5 months that I was pregnant with my baby girl, Faith, were not enough. But, we can rest in knowing that our children are resting safely in the arms of Jesus until we get there to be with them. And once we get there--to eternity--this lifetime of waiting will seem but a minute. Know that you are a hero to all women who are in the same situation--choosing life for their babies.
Jaime
http://morethanihopedfor.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Dear Stacy Spencer & Issac: I pray for you ever night. You are both hero's and to your loving son the Biggest hero's in his life. Please keep up your loving faith in God and each other and know you are loved by all who know you and also by all these wonderful people who's lives you have touched.. Mrs. Pat

Anonymous said...

I know, it just hurts and your arms are so empty. My sweet son Renner died August 31st. He was 2 months and 6 days. We didn't know anything was wrong with him until his fourth day of life and even then it wasn't until he was 2 months old that we were to learn that his brain activity was viable and that he was really only operating on his brain stem only. It is really hard to explain. Our caringbridge site is www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyrenner. I don't tell you this to burden you or even to compare our stories because they are very different yet the same. My heart just hurts too and I can understand in my head but in my heart, none of this makes sense. I have faith and I do believe that our God is a good and big God who loves us and I'm so grateful that I'm assured that one of my chilren will be in heaven no matter what, but my arms are just empty and everything just seems so meaningless. It is hard as life goes on but I don't know how to do "this". . .I have found that it helps me to realize that I am not alone in the loss of my son. I just found your site recently, oh, my brain is so dead that I just realized that I think that I've commented before and told you all about Renner already, I'm so sorry, it just help to talk about him. OK, enough, please just know that you are not alone in this suffering, Jesus also suffered but I think the thought that always gives me comfort is that God willingly gave up His son for us, sinners, so that we might have enternal life. I would never have given Renner up willingly, what a sacrifice!!!

Dylan's Mom said...

Continuing to pray for you guys every single day . . .

Tori said...

Wow...I'm in tears and I've never even met you.

As your sister in Christ, I pray God will give you the strength to push through. The Holy Spirit is constantly near you--your comforter and strength. He weeps with those who weep. Even though God can see the big picture, He sees your immediate hurt now and feels it too. You seem so strong in your faith. But as I'm sure you know, its about choosing to trust God with this, not about how you feel about trusting Him. God give you greater peace--amen.

Amy, queen of the world. said...

You may not feel like much of a hero right now... but trust me, you are a hero. You're MY hero. I was not as strong as you when I lost my first pregnancy. I didn't think that it was part of God's plan-- I thought it was God punishing me for something I did wrong, even if I couldn't figure out what. I was mad at Him. You kept it in your mind and heart that your baby is with Jesus, safe and sound. And although you're carrying a very heavy burdon of grief with you now, someday soon you will look back on your own words, written for the world to see, and you will be able to say that you were faithful to God and his plan. I look up to you and strive to be like that... so that makes you my hero. :)

Shaina N said...

I want you to know how much your blog has touched my heart. I just experienced my first pregnancy, and my first miscarriage. In fact, as I type this, I'm in the throes of miscarriage. My husband and I are full time college students at a Christian University, and are in a week of performances, and then a week of finals. Your blog has touched my heart, and your honestly has lifted my spirits. I began reading in September, and plan on reaching the end and then becoming a "follower". Thank you for your honesty, and thank you for your devotion.

I understand what you mean about heavy arms... I cannot imagine doing what you did. My pregnancy was only 8 weeks along...you got to know your son, learn his sense of humor... your loss seems so much more real. But I still feel our loss deeply. Thank you again for your blog. You are in my prayers.