Thursday, October 2, 2008

October

When I wrote the date on the board in my classroom for my students yesterday, I froze. Thankfully, they weren't there yet, and it was just me (and Isaac) in my room getting things ready before they arrived. I cried. A lot.

Logically, of course October comes after September; it is starting to feel like fall around here, neighbors are starting to put out pumpkins and mums on their porches, and the grocery stores have aisles dedicated to Halloween candy. In a lot of ways, it seems time for it to be October. But I think part of me has been in denial that October would ever come, and now that it has, it makes everything feel so... final.

When I went to bed on Tuesday night, I realized it was my last Tuesday with Isaac in my tummy... maybe my last Tuesday with him at all. And again, I just cried (and cried... and cried). I started to pray and I the only words I found that would come out (not audibly, but in my head) were, Lord I need you. Please protect us. I just didn't know what else to say. And so I said that over and over.

Yesterday I was asked what I am looking forward to about Tuesday. At first it seemed like an odd question because there is so much anticipation of sadness surrounding that day. But in reality, there are some things I am looking forward to.

I am looking forward to meeting my son... the little guy who has been wiggling around in me for months, who kicks my ribs in the middle of the night and wakes me up, who moves around when I play him music, and who kicks back when Spencer talks to him. I am looking forward to just looking at him... figuring out whose nose and eyes he has... if his ears are more like mine or Spencers. And I am looking forward to to just kissing his little face over and over again... enough to last a lifetime. I hope that these are the things I can think about on Monday night and Tuesday morning, and in the few days between now and then as the anticipation builds.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us and for your words of encouragement... we need them and are blessed to know that there are many who are walking with us.

39 comments:

Crystal said...

I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. You are such a strong woman. You are in my thoughts.

Taylor said...

My eyes well with tears right along with you. My prayers are strong an heart wishes I could be there physically to help carry this burden.

God is in control. He WILL protect you. He WILL carry you. I assure you of that.

amrisser said...

Stacy,
I am praying for strength for you and for God to continue to protect you. I admire your faith and strength :)
Hugs---amy

lynette said...

Praying for you...

Anonymous said...

Yes, it will be a happy day in that sense b/c you will be able to hold and touch him and I know that will feel like nothing you have felt before! All 3 of you are in my prayers. This is beyond hard and you don't have to be strong all of the time.

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

Still praying, fiercly.

boltefamily said...

I am typing through tears as I read your words. I just want you to know I am praying!

Kristine said...

You don't know me, but I used to see you on the health and firness board on the nest and that's how I have come acroos your blog recently. I am following your story and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lauren said...

Praying every day. Your family weighs heavily on my heart right now and I know that praying is the best thing I can do for you all. May you have peace and happiness in the coming days and weeks.

With love,
Lauren

Kamaile said...

Thinking of you

Mrs.Rotty said...

you, your son, and your family are in my constant thought and prayers. I wish you all the healthy and happy things in the world!

lots_of_love_four_kids said...

We too are praying for you and your sweet Isaac. Praying for healing, strength and peace for you. HUGS. -Jenni

Jagged Diary said...

I've been following your blog for a while and this is my first time posting. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. I pray for you guys every day and keep you in my thoughts always.

Katrina said...

I came across your blog yesterday and read the entire thing while I was at work. I was so drawn by your story and how you've managed to keep your faith throughout. I hate to admit that my own faith has been up and down in the past.

My son, Dylan, died in June, just six days after he was born. Ever since, my husband and I have relied on God to bring us through. As much as I hate that my faith grew stronger only after our terrible loss, I AM closer to God than ever before in my life.

I just want you to know that I think you are an incredible woman, wife, and mother. And I have complete faith in the fact that God will give you, Isaac, and Spencer the strength to get through whatever you may face.

Peace and Blessings,
Katrina

Leah said...

My prayers continue to be with your family. I pray that God gives you the comfort and strength you need right now.

Stacy said...

I think of you almost every morning. I pray for you often through out the day. Though we do not know each other - please know that I am speaking Isaac's name before the Father and praying for a miracle on October 7.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.

Isaiah 40:28-29

Josh, Jenifer, and Mackenzie said...

I talked to God today for a long time about you and your sweet family.

Aaron & Kristen said...

Stacy,
I am praying for peace over the next few days and for protection of your hearts through the next few weeks. May you feel the hand of God reach down and touch you.
I am still praying for a miracle for Isaac...always.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers,
Kristen

Lindsay said...

Stacy,

I have no idea how I stumbled upon your blog but I have been following it for a few weeks now. Last August (8.8.07) I gave birth to our first son, Andrew Lindsay. We knew his time with us would be very short. He lived for 45 minutes. But I wanted to let you know that the day you give birth to and meet Isaac WILL be the best day of your life. You WILL be filled with joy on that day. You WILL smile and laugh. You WILL feel God's comfort and peace. You WILL know God is good. You WILL forever remember Isaac's smell and what it felt like to kiss his soft skin. I promise. Praying for you in Iowa.

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

We are thinking of you so much. This 'countdown' is so bittersweet - all the fears and worries on one hand, with the knowledge that soon your beautiful boy will be in your arms on the other. Praying that you are given peace as you wait to meet your son for the first time. We're with you in spirit, as parents who have been in a very similar situation. With much love from across the pond X

Sara said...

My name is Sara, and I lost my son just 5 months ago. His name is Elliot, and he died because he had a cystic kidney which caused numerous other problems in his tiny little body. We found out at 22 weeks that he was sick, and delivered him at 36 weeks. I am praying for you an overwhelming peace, which can only come from The Prince, himself.
I wanted to say also, in response to your 'beautiful' post, that we had a Dr. tell us that Elliot would probably look like he had been run over by a truck! Who says that??!! We were furious, but Elliot did NOT look like that at all, he was absolutely beautiful, he was absolutely perfect - just as Isaac will be.
I am praying for you today

Amy said...

I have read several times about how nervous you are about having a c-section. I would like to try to calm your nerves. I have had two. The first one was after 24 hours of labor and when they told me that I had to have a c-section I was scared out of my mind. I had never had surgery before-not even a broken bone or bloody nose! The thought of surgery scared me to death! But I made it through just fine. And with pain medication after the surgery, I made it through that just fine, too. I guess that I just do not want you to worry about that these next few days. You will be just fine!
You are an amazing woman!

AngelsAmid said...

I'm praying all the time... I pray Tuesday is not the last Tuesday with little Isaac. I'm praying praying pleading with God... (huge hugs)

AngelsAmongUs said...

You words have touched me so deeply and your strength inspires me in ways you will never know. I pray that your time with Issac is all you are dreaming of. Sending you lots of love and prayers.

Kirsten said...

Praying for you each day - for comfort, strength, peace, patience and even joy in the midst of the trail. He will continue to carry you. Blessings to you, Spencer and precious Isaac.

Blessings,
Kirsten
www.blooming-faith.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

stacy-
I have just seen your blog and did not know. I am praying for you, so praying for you and Spence and Isaac.

He is your perfect baby, fashioned by God.

amy b.

Me said...

I just wanted you to know that you and your family have been in my prayers. I don't know you but I found your story by finding your blog. I cried on the way home for you today. You're a very strong woman and I pray that you continue to have strength.

Anonymous said...

I can't even imagine how difficult this time must be for you, your husband and family. I am praying that you get your "miracle." Please know that you aren't alone and people are thinking about you and Isaac. Enjoy the time with your beautiful baby.

ps - I had a c-section and had an easy recovery.

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for a miracle for you.. I can't imagine what you are feeling. Someone mentioned that Oct 7th will be the best day of your life and it's true. There is nothing like seeing your baby. That in itself is something that will last a lifetime.

David said...

Spencer,

My wife as followed this blog for the past several months, through her I quickly learned about little Isaac. I too am a father, a husband, and a spirtual leader.

I pray for you this evening and many others. I pray for strength, strength that you'll provide leadership for you family. That you'll be able to find the words and actions to comfort Stacy. I pray that you'll find next monday tueseday with excitment. The excitment of meeting your little guy. To see his face, to hold him in your arms, to meet your son. I pray for mircles, because all things are possible through Christ...

I thank you Stacy, for sharing your story, as it's helped my family and our walk with our sick son Hendrix. I love to hear that i'm not the only one that watches football with his son, and tells him about it while still inside his mommies tummy.

So once again Spencer, may you find strength in the Father's arms. May he give you and your family peace, an unmeasurable amount of peace.

God Bless,
David

Stashia said...

I came across your blog through a friends and have been reading it the past couple of weeks. I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes. I don't know how you feel and I won't even tell you that I can imagine what you are going through because I can't, but I will say that I always tell myself over and over during a difficult situation... God will not give me more then I can handle. I am sure that seems very small and not much now, but something good IS going to come of your sons life. Your husband and you are two incredibly strong people and you amaze me! You make me want to be a better person just by reading about your life. I hate to admit it, but I don't know that my faith would be as strong as yours, I would like to say that it would, but I truly don't think it would be. It is easy for me to tell you that everything will be ok and everything will work out because I am not in your situation, but I want you to know that I think you have touched many people through this blog. I sit here typing with tears and I have never even met you, but I want you to know that your words have had a great impact on me and have made a difference in my life. I check your blog religiously and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that you have a wonderful week and things go well for you. Thank you!

Britt said...

I am a friend of Taylor's and learned about your blog through her. I just wanted to let you know that my husband and I will be praying for you, your husband, and your precious little boy. God & all of your amazing friends will carry you through this. Isaac will be beautiful because he is a masterpiece from God & he is yours :) God Bless You!

mollyfrog said...

My name is Molly, and I found your blog because I read Taylor's. Almost 3 years ago, my son Eric was born at 29 weeks. He had birth defects which we didn't know about til the day my water broke. We didn't have much time to get used to the idea that our baby wouldn't make it; I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse.

Eric was such a miracle, God used him to get me. Before Eric was born, when we thought he was healthy, I had this nagging feeling that he was sick and not going to make it. I remember crying so hard no tears came and trying to pray. Remember that you're not alone: God is always with you. Isaiah 41:10 says "So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I'm praying for you, Spencer and Isaac.

amydc said...

While this is not a road anyone would choose- your journey & testimony will point many people to the Lord. My heart aches for you & Spencer. Please know that you are being lifted up in prayer.

Lost in Translation said...

Stacy, this post...I don't know what else to say except I remember. I remember the feeling of knowing that time was running out and that here on earth there is nothing we can do to stop it. I remember the feeling that at any moment time could just run out and our sweet little one would be gone. When I was in the hospital with Nadia I remember thinking these are the last days that I will ever have this sweet little angel physically with me and that is a pain worse than any other. I remember your pain oh to well, and I have asked God to keep Isaac here on this side of heaven with you so that you wouldn't have to feel anymore pain than you have! I hope and pray that the Lord has heard these prayers and has special plans for your son here! Stay strong all of you! God Bless!

Crystal said...

Praying for your family.

Joyfulsister said...

I just found your blog and I belong to Belove MaMa prays a blog that interceded in prayers for others.I pray that the Lord will continue to minister and touch all of you and precious baby Issac.

Aloha Lorie

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for strength for you tomorrow when you meet your beautiful son. God bless you all

Anonymous said...

Words cannot describe the feelings you are having right now. I am praying for your family.