Sunday

This morning I woke up and did my usual thing of playing some music for Isaac while I write my letter to him. Then, I decided to make some coffee (decaf, of course) and sit out on our porch in one of our rocking chairs and read my Bible for a while.

It was beautiful out. The sky was blue with no traces of clouds, and the fall air was crisp, but not cold. It was the perfect weather to sit outside in my favorite sweatshirt (my beat-up Maryland sweatshirt that's faded, stretched out, and literally falling apart at the seams), with a hot cup of coffee. I started off in the Psalms... revisiting Psalm 23, Psalm 139, and finishing up memorizing Psalm 121 so that I can play it over and over in my head during my c-section.

I then went to the gospels, returning to the familiar account of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. Here is the account from Matthew:

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." - Matthew 26:36-39

I could so identify with Jesus in this. Jesus knew what was set before him, and that burden deeply troubled and overwhelmed him. He also pleaded with God that if it was possible, that what He was to encounter would be taken from Him... that there would be some other way; yet He still prays for God's will to be done. I love the picture of Jesus's humanity in this passage. Even the savior of the world experienced the depths of deep sorrow and grief.

Although we don't know for sure what will happen on Tuesday, the burden of what we have been told is likely is so heavy... and so overwhelming. We keep pleading with God for a miracle, but ultimately we do desire for His will to be done and to do what will bring Him the most glory. That is not an easy prayer to pray sometimes.

On Friday when we met with our Pastor, he mentioned Paul's thorn in the flesh and how three times he asked the Lord to take it away from him. The conversation stopped there, but this morning I revisited that passage in 2 Corinthians 12. Although I remembered the gist of the fact that Paul's thorn wasn't taken away, I had forgotten God's words to him...

My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.

At church we sometimes sing the song "Your Grace is Enough." Although I know in my heart of hearts that's true, those have been words I have struggled to sing lately because truthfully, I want to know that I will get to keep my son for a while. The fact that by God's grace Isaac will be in Heaven if he isn't here with us is absolutely incredible, and a truth that brings me comfort and for which I am grateful. But there's this tension in the fact that I still want to have him here.

Today we will be taking it easy... watching the Ravens game, probably taking a nap, re-organizing my hospital bag, and trying to just spend some good time together with Isaac. I would love to go for a walk, but I am still not supposed to be up that much, so I am not sure that's in the cards.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. The list of requests in my post entitled "Thirteen" is the best place to look for specifics of how to pray for us. The only thing I might add that's been heavy on my heart lately is how I am afraid that, because of the time it will take them to stitch me up after the surgery, I won't be able to hold Isaac while he's still with us. I want to much to hold him while he's still living and breathing... would you please add that to the list of things to pray for?