Sunday, October 5, 2008

Sunday

This morning I woke up and did my usual thing of playing some music for Isaac while I write my letter to him. Then, I decided to make some coffee (decaf, of course) and sit out on our porch in one of our rocking chairs and read my Bible for a while.

It was beautiful out. The sky was blue with no traces of clouds, and the fall air was crisp, but not cold. It was the perfect weather to sit outside in my favorite sweatshirt (my beat-up Maryland sweatshirt that's faded, stretched out, and literally falling apart at the seams), with a hot cup of coffee. I started off in the Psalms... revisiting Psalm 23, Psalm 139, and finishing up memorizing Psalm 121 so that I can play it over and over in my head during my c-section.

I then went to the gospels, returning to the familiar account of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. Here is the account from Matthew:

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." - Matthew 26:36-39

I could so identify with Jesus in this. Jesus knew what was set before him, and that burden deeply troubled and overwhelmed him. He also pleaded with God that if it was possible, that what He was to encounter would be taken from Him... that there would be some other way; yet He still prays for God's will to be done. I love the picture of Jesus's humanity in this passage. Even the savior of the world experienced the depths of deep sorrow and grief.

Although we don't know for sure what will happen on Tuesday, the burden of what we have been told is likely is so heavy... and so overwhelming. We keep pleading with God for a miracle, but ultimately we do desire for His will to be done and to do what will bring Him the most glory. That is not an easy prayer to pray sometimes.

On Friday when we met with our Pastor, he mentioned Paul's thorn in the flesh and how three times he asked the Lord to take it away from him. The conversation stopped there, but this morning I revisited that passage in 2 Corinthians 12. Although I remembered the gist of the fact that Paul's thorn wasn't taken away, I had forgotten God's words to him...

My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.

At church we sometimes sing the song "Your Grace is Enough." Although I know in my heart of hearts that's true, those have been words I have struggled to sing lately because truthfully, I want to know that I will get to keep my son for a while. The fact that by God's grace Isaac will be in Heaven if he isn't here with us is absolutely incredible, and a truth that brings me comfort and for which I am grateful. But there's this tension in the fact that I still want to have him here.

Today we will be taking it easy... watching the Ravens game, probably taking a nap, re-organizing my hospital bag, and trying to just spend some good time together with Isaac. I would love to go for a walk, but I am still not supposed to be up that much, so I am not sure that's in the cards.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us. The list of requests in my post entitled "Thirteen" is the best place to look for specifics of how to pray for us. The only thing I might add that's been heavy on my heart lately is how I am afraid that, because of the time it will take them to stitch me up after the surgery, I won't be able to hold Isaac while he's still with us. I want to much to hold him while he's still living and breathing... would you please add that to the list of things to pray for?

31 comments:

Connie said...

Stacy,
Absolutely, I will be praying for those things for you, and especially for sensitivity of those who care for you about your need for a chance to hold Isaac right away.
connie

Kristy said...

I just wanted you to know that I asked my church to pray for you and Spencer and your precious Isaac today. We are still praying that God will intercede and there will be a miracle on Tuesday!

Kristy

Courtney said...

I will continue to pary that God's will be done for you and your family. I will add to my prayers that you will be able to hold and speak with your Isaac before God, should he choose to, takes him home.

amrisser said...

stacy, what time is Isaac's birth scheduled for on Tuesday? Still praying for more miracles :)

Devon Rene said...

you have been on my heart so much this past week and you will continue to be so in the weeks ahead.

just know i am thinking of you and praying for you...praying that god would grant you a miracle. but more than that, that HE would make himself real to you and that you would feel his arms of love around you.

there are no words to prepare your heart...no words to make the pain better...

just know you are loved of and thought of and if your sweet isaac gets to meet Jesus, there will be two little boys waiting for him there too!

love you, though we have never met....

Anonymous said...

yes, yes, a thousand times yes. we will pray for you, Spencer and Isaac. it is so easy to see Christ in your family - thank you.

Teresa said...

My heart aches for you and your family. You are in our prayers. I love the honesty in your blog. Sometimes it is hard to have faith when you are scared.

Nestie Becoming_untied said...

Praying for 14 things and then some. As I read the devotional "Jesus Calling" this morning and noticed how few days you have left with Isaac inside of you I was so sad.

More than likely I will never be pregnant again. And although that is our choice at this point in our lives it makes me sad that I will never feel that kind of life and miracle with in me again.

I pray that for the remainder of your pregnancy that you are over come and overwhelmed with joy, love, peace and strength at the miracle you have inside of you right now.

Lots of love in Him and prayers!

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

Hi Stacy,
I just wanted to let you know that it is possible to hold your baby even while the doctors are working on you. When my son Will was born by c-section he was given straight to me, even though I was still on the operating table. I've mentioned Will when I've commented previously - he was given an 'incompatible with life' diagnosis when I was 12 weeks pregnant, and lived for 15 minutes when he was born at term. The team in theatre were brilliant - they suctioned Will's nose and mouth, gave him a blast of oxygen and then brought him straight to me. They even rearranged my hospital gown so I could hold him skin-to-skin. Even though I was flat on my back, Will lay on my chest and I was able to put my arms around him, talk to him and sing to him (yes - even in a room full of dozens of medical staff!). So there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to hold Isaac - tell your medical team how important it is to you that you hold him straight away. I am sure they will understand. Also, you might want to give one of the medical staff your camera so they can take some pictures of you both with little Isaac, while you're still in theatre. One of the nurses took pictures for us, and while we have so many pictures of ourselves with Will, some of the most precious ones are from inside the operating theatre, when he was still 'with' us. Thinking of you so much, and praying for strength for you all, while still hoping for that miracle. With love to you all, Alison x

Ashley said...

I am still praying for you.

Kristi said...

I am praying those things for you, especially for a miracle, and for you to hold your precious baby very soon after delivery! I pray for continued peace and comfort during this time as well.

they call me the boss said...

Thank you for being such an example of how precious life is and how we should respect it. I will absolutely be praying for you to have time with your Isaac!

Amy said...

I've been keeping up with your blog now for a few weeks. I have been so touched by your heart of faith, and the honesty in your obvious pain! You are amazing parents and Isaac is blessed to have you both loving him for as long as God gives him to you, and beyond. You and Spencer will be in my prayers everyday, and I especially pray that you get to hold him! You are NEVER alone!

Amy

Laura said...

Stacy,

You are so precious, amazing and so brave. I will be praying for time with Isaac...time to hold him next to your face while they are stiching you up. I know you will feel the tangible presence of God in the room with you...such holy moments. I am asking God, if Isaac goes to meet Jesus Tuesday, that my Pearl will be there to greet him when he goes ahead of you. There will be an audience in Heaven watching on Tuesday..loving you from a distance and many here as well loving and praying for you.

I love you and your precious family in a way that only this journey makes it possible.

Laura

Anonymous said...

I continue to pray for you, your husband, and your sweet son every day. You might want to request that your arms are not strapped down during the surgery and if it is possible to hold your son while they are finishing you up. It is not uncommon for medical staff allow this in both high and low risk situations.

Beth said...

I just found your blog today and have been "catching up" on your story (in tears mostly). And in the timing of discovering your blog, I certainly feel like it's a call from the Lord to be in prayer for you. So I will be in prayer for you; I'll be praying for a miracle and for you to somehow literally feel God's rich grace and love pouring over you and Isaac.

My mother's heart aches for you, and I'll be praying God's peace in the days ahead. Thank you for your testimony to God's faithfulness, even in the darkest of times.

AngelsAmid said...

I will definitely add that to my prayers... I'm praying for God to intercede and for a miracle.

Kristin (kekis) said...

"Stay here and keep watch with me." We are all staying here and keeping watch with you, Spencer, Isaac, and your families. The experiences you will have in the next 48 hours will be full of so many strong emotions. Please know that we are with you.

Stacy, you were heavy on my heart Wednesday night, and I spent a lot of time in prayer for you. I will continue to do so.

So Blessed said...

Praying for you as you draw close to your delivery time...and asking God on your behalf for precious time with little Isaac.

Caleb's Mom said...

Stacy--I just wanted to let you know how much you and Spencer (I went to SSU with him) have been on my mind and heart these last few weeks. I am STILL praying for a miracle, but I think it is so amazing how you have been able to thank God for the impact Isaac has made on others before he is even born!

I know from others that you can hold Isaac right away. My friend who just lost her son was able to hold him as soon as they cut the cord! I am sure that if you discuss this with your medical team and tell them how incredibly important this is to you, they will understand. If they say no, send Spencer in to flex his muscles and "talk" to them! :)

I know all of this is bittersweet, but just wait until you see your beautiful boy...and he WILL be beautiful, because he is yours. It will be amazing when you see him for the first time, and you will be filled with more love than you could ever imagine! (Even more than you have for Isaac now!) Keep that in mind, even if things don't go as so many are praying. We're praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Been praying for you for a few months now. Especially these last couple of weeks. My heart is breaking for you, but I'm still praying for a miracle. I think of little Cohen... (I'm sure you've read his story) and I hope with all my heart that Isaac (and the Lord!) will surprise us all.

Tuesday is my birthday. And that is what I'm asking for. A miracle for the three of you.

The Osborne Family said...

Our small group Bible study prayed for Isaac tonight. We prayed for your doctor to have quick and careful hands, for God's peace to fill you and Spencer, for lots of precious time with Isaac and for complete and total healing for Isaac's body. You are on my heart and will remain in my prayers this week.
"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you his peace at all times and in every situation. The Lord be with you all."
2 Thessalonians 3:16

Anonymous said...

If you haven't already checked into the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, please do so. A professional photographer can come to the hospital and take pictures for free of your precious time sent with your son.

Anonymous said...

Stacy,
I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Your blog and letters to Issac for several weeks and they have touched my heart in so many ways. Your strong faith will certainly carry you through these next few weeks. You are an amazing person. Hugs and prayers.

Eckzoo said...

Stacy,
I will continue to pray for you and your family. You and Isaac have impacted my life in countless ways. I pray that God will give you and your husband strength and hold you up as you face the coming days.

Linda said...

Stacy,
You are in my prayers. Your faith has been an inspiration to me. I'm so sorry you're facing this, but at the least, God has used you and Isaac as witnesses to His grace and peace. I pray that things go smoothly on Tuesday and that you are filled with peace when you get to meet your precious Isaac.

Linda

Abbie said...

I haven't commented yet, but I've been following your blog. Please know that you are in my prayers, as is Spencer and Isaac.

Kim said...

Stacy,
I just finished reading all of your touching words. It has helped me to understand what you are going through and the faith that you have. Please know that your school family is praying for you and the time your family has together. I know you and Spencer will lavish Isaac with your love and kisses like all of us want to do for you and your family. In our heavenly Father's name we pray for you!

Baseballs and Tutu's said...

I just found your blog this morning through another. My heart breaks for you. You,Spencer and Isaac are in my prayers and will continue to be in the days and weeks ahead. I am going to bookmark your blog so I can check back on you and continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

ntstultz said...

Stacy,
I have followed your blog for awhile now, I'm so encouraged with the faith that you have, especially going through something like this, I can't even imagine. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Spencer, and Isaac, as you embark on this journey tomorrow. My heart is very heavy for you, I want to you to be able to spend a lifetime with your son. I hope God performs a miracle tomorrow and gives you that oppurtunity.

What you have given to your son is a wonderful gift! Good Luck tomorrow, I will be thinking of you and your family.
Trish

KK said...

Dear Stacy,
I am praying for you without ceasing, for peace of mind and to feel HIS love holding you, as only HE can.
Psalm 46:10
Isaiah 41:10
Matthew 21:22
Blessings of peace today for you and your husband,
Kaye